Embracing the Journey

Several years ago I watched an interview on Oprah with Marie Osmond. The hot topic item of the interview involved Marie's recent divorce to a man that she spoke of as verbally abusive to her throughout their many years of marriage. When asked why she married such a man she said, "I married at the level of my self-worth. So ladies, have self-worth."

Those two sentences have stuck with me for a long time and I've observed so many girls following suit. I don't think it pertains to only abusive situations, I actually think it covers a wide-range of brokenness in our generation and the need to find something - or someONE - to fix the cracks and fill the longing.

As I mentioned in my last post, I attended a church retreat last weekend and we spent one evening touching on the topic of relationships. The conversation started with the question of "True or False. It's not about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person." The room answered with a pretty unanimous "True" and the leaders of our event said, "Actually, we would say false." They did admit it's actually somewhat of a trick question, but the truth being there is no moment where you've arrived. Saying that it's about becoming the right person leads to this impression that if at some point you get it all together, then you can have the desires of your heart. The more accurate or healthy picture would be walking on a path towards God and pursuing him - not to "become" or "arrive" but to continue on that path from here to eternity and trust that as you both follow that path as individuals, your paths become parallel.

The thing that strikes me most about relationships, and in all honesty, life in general, is that part of the seeking comes from a place of longing and a need for fulfillment. I think back to being a kid in college and having big dreams for a career. I remember sitting down and writing out 5 and 10-year goals for my life, hopes of recognition, climbing the ladder, becoming the best at what I was setting out to do. I think if I could have recognized and pin-pointed it at the time, I would have acknowledged that I hoped the investment I was making in my education would lead to a fulfilling career. Truth is, I was successful. I climbed to higher titles. None of it felt fulfilling in the least. In fact, the more I achieved, the less fulfillment I found.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” –C.S. Lewis

I believe that just as much as those desires pertains to a fulfilling career, material possessions and earthly achievements, it pertains to relationships. I think a lot of people get married with the hopes that the "longings of their heart" will be fulfilled and then quickly realized they married a beautiful yet flawed human being, as we all are, and even in the gift that marriage is, it's not fulfilling. The truth is, it was never meant to be. No human was meant to fix the cracks, fill the void or heal the wounds that only He can heal.

In Donald Miller's newest book, Scary Close, he says:

"I don't know if there's a healthier way for two people to stay in love than to stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely as they experience them."

You see, the longing in our hearts wasn't meant for this world, it was meant to draw our hearts toward heaven, but the most beautiful thing is that God, in his extravagant love, doesn't ask you to walk the journey alone. And that's exactly what it is...a journey. No moment of "becoming", but rather a collection of tiny moments of learning, growing, shaping, molding, crying, rejoicing, loving, hoping, following and trusting in the hand that is always holding, guiding and leading you. The hand of your heavenly Father, and maybe someday, the hand of the man or woman that God gifts you to walk with through the journey as well. And even in your season of singleness, the community that he's placed around you. Life wasn't meant to be walked alone.

So ladies, if I could add to Marie Osmond's plea, I would say this: You won't find that self-worth in this world. You won't find self-worth from a magazine, perfect skin, a better body, your dream job or the affirmation of man - even an amazing, Godly man. Yes, hurting people hurt people. If you pair a healthy person and a hurting person you will still have a hurtful relationship. All of that is true. But even if you follow Marie Osmond's advice to pursue a healthy self-image, don't forget this vital key: your true worth can only be found in Him.

"Don’t focus on decorating your exterior by doing your hair or putting on fancy jewelry or wearing fashionable clothes; let your adornment be what’s inside—the real you, the lasting beauty of a gracious and quiet spirit, in which God delights." –1 Peter 3:3-4 VOICE

Keep your eyes on Him. "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth" and let your self-worth, self-confidence, longings and fulfillment be found in the only One that can truly satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. 

Extravagance

God has taught me a lot of things over this past year and awakened my heart in so many ways to understanding just a tiny glimpse of his love for me, the beauty of who He is and through all of that, the word the comes to mind every time I want to describe him is extravagant.

Webster's dictionary defines extravagance as exceeding the limits of reason or necessity and extremely or excessively elaborate.

While that defines something over-the-top, it still seems so small in trying to truly describe who God really is. By the very simple act of creation He is the ultimate artist. He could have just made day end and night begin with no crescendo at all, like a simple light switch, but when you witness a sunset that seems to capture the whole sky in various shades of bold hues, you witness his extravagance. He created the seasons, which in and of itself is magnificent, but snow could simply be tiny white clusters with no shape or form, yet he made each flake its own unique masterpiece unlike any other. It just begs the question, if God was so extravagant in the details of creation, mankind in particular, then why do we constantly overlook his extravagance in every moment of our lives?

This past Friday I went on a retreat with 50+ other people my age without knowing a single person. It was intimidating, made me feel 12 all over again and the inevitable awkwardness wasn't something I was particularly excited about. I also knew it was a door God had opened and I needed to step through. The one thing I've been asking Him repeatedly over the last few months since I moved is for just one good friend. I left an incredible community in Nashville and starting over has been a lonely and overwhelming process, but I knew that it required movement on my part. I prefer baby steps, but in his extravagant fashion, God usually asks for leaps ;).

In one conversation over the weekend, a girl said, "that was really brave of you to come without knowing anyone." And I thought to myself, "I don't feel brave." The more I thought about that I realized that chances are if you feel brave you're probably doing something stupid, and if you're being brave, you probably feel terrified. As Nelson Mandela says, 

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." 

So, I fought the fear, the awkwardness, the insecurity and uncertainty. And I once again witnessed God's extravagance. Extravagance through meeting people and within 5 minutes having God-stirring conversations. Extravagance in a near perfect day on the ski slopes filled with laughter, great conversations, majestic views and ending with an incredible time of prayer together as we drove back to the lodge. Extravagance in times of powerful worship. Extravagance in the teaching that was shared and the vulnerability of a group of strangers. Extravagance in spending a quick weekend with a group of people I'd never met before and walking away knowing I had not only made one friend, I'd made many. I'd found community, left behind insecurity and took home hope.

"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." Ephesians 5:2 MSG

My prayer is that my eyes only grow wider in witnessing his extravagant love, grace and faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those around me so that I don't miss a moment, and that I learn from his example and live a life that loves others extravagantly in return.

Love Notes on the Mirror

Last night I had dinner with a girl that I've only hung out with once. Well, twice if you count the time that I was in a pinch and asked if she could pick me up from the airport, which led to her having to wait 3+ hours in cell phone parking when I realized I left my wallet on the airplane. How's that for a start to a great friendship? :) Last night we sat and talked until they started sweeping up the restaurant and as I drove home I couldn't help but thank the Lord for the gift of new friendships, conversations that flow easily, things that you take for granted until you're in a completely new place.

As I was getting ready for bed last night, a friend from college that lives in Colorado Springs texted me and said, "Hey, I know this is a long shot, but would you want to come down Friday night and have a free girl's night in a cabin?" Of course I didn't even hesitate with my yes! And as I crawled into bed I couldn't help but thank the Lord for Friday nights that are wide open and for the gift of lifelong friends that still pursue you.

Today I had 3 long phone calls back-to-back with people that I love, baked a loaf of almond poppyseed bread while listening to iWorship's top 20 songs of 2014, did my 4th quarter estimated taxes (which I actually enjoy doing - other than the "giving them my money" part :)), worked, read and stretched...a lot...because every muscle hurts from my last OTF class, which is awesome!

And I couldn't help but thank the Lord....for all of the small things that happen every day. And sometimes they might be so small that if you don't pay close attention - they'll slip right on by without you noticing. God is good in the big stuff and we often give most credit and awe to that, but there is such sweetness in every moment that I don't want to miss...

It's like He's leaving love notes for me every day as a reminder of His affection for me and I don't want to miss a single one.

"Do not disdain the small - because it's the ordinary that adds up to the great." 
-Ann Voskamp, Zechariah 4:10a NCV

Hold onto Hope

To all of my friends who are waiting. To all of those with dreams that have gone unfulfilled. To all of those praying for a miracle. It's time to take hold of Hope.

-------------------------

This is one of those post I've probably sat down to write at least a dozen times over the years, but I'll be honest, I wasn't brave enough. I wasn't brave enough to actually say (write) it out loud because I've always felt so much pressure to push past how I really feel and fight for what I felt like I should feel. There is always some truth to that, but there's something about being honest and vulnerable that I think holds a lot more weight and relate-able value. So here goes...

In less than one month I'll be 35. The number doesn't intimidate me. Aging in and of itself doesn't bother me. But what makes that number difficult for me is that it's one more year of my life that I've been single. 35 years of never dating anyone. 35 years of not being pursued. 35 years of being a "great friend" to many great guys, but 35 years of questioning what is wrong with me that no one ever wanted more than that. 35 years of fighting the lies of "you are not attractive", "you're too much", "you're not enough" and the list goes on and on.

Yes, I'm turning 35 and I've never been in a relationship BUT...

I've taught Sunday school, led youth, led young adults, gone on missions trips, volunteered with some amazing organizations, toured with a recording artist, traveled the world, skied, snowmobiled, backpacked, camped, hiked, snowshoed, zip lined, para sailed, bought 2 houses, remodeled one, built the other, sold them both, worked for companies, became self-employed, threw parties and most recently sold most everything I owned and moved halfway across the country to a place I've always dreamed of living. And that barely makes a dent.

I have lived 35 beautiful years that I am absolutely grateful for. God has taught me so much. He has been gracious to provide amazing women along the way that have become lifelong friends. Friends who challenge me, sharpen me and bring incredible joy to my life. Had I been dating people at any point in time, I could have easily missed out on a number of those relationships. I wouldn't trade any one of them for a guy.

But I desire to be married. I would love to have children. I've just felt for years like I'm not allowed to be unhappy with not having either one.

So I told myself to just be content. Don't want anything beyond what is presently in front of you. Keep your dreams within reach. Only do what you can do with what you've got and don't worry about the rest - or in other words...if you can't do anything about it, stop dreaming about it.

So for years, I shut myself off emotionally. I told myself that I just wasn't allowed to dream about marriage and a family because I'm not guaranteed that, and if I hope for it I'll only make myself miserable. Better to be content and satisfied with life than to be disappointed, but as C.S. Lewis so beautifully said:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Over the years my heart had been wrapped in bubble wrap and carefully locked up. It was safe, it was unbreakable...but it was suffocating. You see, last year God took my very numb and motionless heart, rubbed together the defibrillator paddles and shocked it back to life. He re-awakened places in my life that I didn't even know existed anymore. He reminded me that it's ok to be content as long as you're still contending. He asked me to hope again.

Hope.

Honestly, hope had long ago become a 4-letter word to me if you know what I mean. Hope always meant disappointment, and who wants that? But hope will always mean disappointment if you put it in the wrong thing.

He said "Trish...

Hope. In. Me."

So I sat in the boat with my life vest on, looking at the raging river in front of me. Over and over again I wanted to just turn around and paddle back to shore - to the calm and comfortable beach. The place where I knew exactly what to expect and didn't feel anything. But when God reawakened my heart, there was no going back. It was time to take off the life vest and jump in. It was time to get out of the boat and trust that God would guide me. It was time to ask specifically, dream big and start hoping again. Not to hope for the dream, but in the Giver of the dream. Not to hope for a future, but in the One who planned my future. Not to hope for a different story, but in the Author of the most beautifully penned stories of all time.

I don't look back with regret, rather I am grateful for the gift of time he's given me. Time to serve, time to grow, time to learn so much that I hope will help me be a better woman...and if God allows, a better wife and mother someday. But my heart is no longer carefully locked away. It's unwrapped, it's open, it's available. And for the first time in my life, I've started dreaming again. I've started asking God specifically for things. Things that seem ridiculous, crazy and impossible, but He's stirred my heart to dream big dreams!

And while I don't want anything or anyone more than Him, I look forward with expectancy and anticipation for all that is yet to come - because I know no matter how it unfolds, it's all a gift from a loving, extravagant, perfect Father who always knows what is best for me and has never offered me any less. He has always been faithful. He will never stop being faithful.

For those of you that are in that same season - whether it is waiting for a baby, spouse, job, healing or whatever miracle that may seem impossible...put all your hope in Him. It's a gamble you can make that guarantees a win. Your bets will come back multiplied. It's absolutely impossible to lose. You serve a God who can do "far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!" (Ephesians 3:20a MSG)

You've not been set aside...you've been set apart!

So as you step forward into the new year, reawaken your heart and take hold of Hope. The Hope that came to this world as a baby. The Hope that offered his own life to save yours. The Hope that even in life's darkest moments, will be your brightest light.

Hold onto Hope.

A Pile of My Thoughts

Write a good story for your life. Make choices every day - both big and small - that change the outcome of your story that makes it one worth repeating. Your story wasn't just given to you for your own keeping, it was meant to be shared and to ultimately point others back to the God that is the greatest author of all time.

Dream big dreams. Like giant, impossible, you-feel-crazy-even-thinking-it kind of dreams. And then surrender them. Ask with palms open. Remember to focus on the One who gave you the dream more than the dream itself. He will always give you what you need, and you'll be surprised how often what you need becomes what you actually want.

Live foolishly. Not for yourself, but for Him. Dive into the rapids and surrender to the adventure that he's taking you on - no matter how crazy, uncertain, uncomfortable, impossible and ridiculous it may seem. Chances are if you're not in a place where you feel crazy or uncomfortable, you're probably not living dangerously for God. Chase lions.

Love recklessly. Love even if it's not returned. Love those that are hardest to love. Love because He loved you first. Love for the sake of giving it away and without expectation of getting it back. Love without condition. Love deeply. You'll never look back over your life and wish you'd loved less.

Pray continually. Pray specifically. Pray for others. It's not always "Dear Jesus" and "Amen" - prayer happens in conversation, in worship, in wordless sighs and in silent thoughts. Reject the lies, dismiss the fears, let go of the anxiety. Live in constant gratitude.

Be brave. The irony of bravery is that you rarely feel brave. Bravery is being terrified, but moving forward anyway. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. "So what should we say about all of this? If God is on our side, then tell me: whom should we fear?" Romans 8:31 VOICE

40 Miles

This summer my family spent a week enjoying the beauty of Yellowstone National Park. One particular day we were driving into the park and passed by the sign above. As we did, my parents started talking about the story of Chief Joseph, which I'm sure made my ears start to fill with white noise as I'm typically not much of a history buff. This story, however, captured my attention in a whole different light.

Basically the story of Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce Indians in a nutshell goes like this: In a land treaty broken by the US Government, the Nez Perce Indians were forced out of their homeland in the Wallowa Valley and forced to relocate to Idaho. In the midst of the journey, 3 young warriors who were enraged by the loss of their homeland, massacred a band of white settlers. Chief Joseph hearing of this and fearing retaliation, began fleeing north to Canada for safety with another Nez Perce tribe across the border.

For three months they traveled more than 1,000 miles on foot in challenging conditions, battling more than 2,000 US Soldiers along the way. Finally, defeat was upon them. They were exhausted and Chief Joseph declared he would fight no more, forever. Little did they know that day, at that moment, in that place...they were only 40 miles from the Canadian border.

In our own lives there are seasons that are more challenging than others. There are times when you may feel like you're facing one battle after the next after the next. Or maybe you're just in a season of feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're in a place where you are down to your last drop of hope. Maybe the idea of giving up rather than fighting through seems like the only logical choice.

In those times, lean in to Him.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

His timing is perfect and never comes a moment too soon or a second too late. Keep pressing forward, keep trusting His plan. Don't lose hope.

Because you just never know when you might be 40 miles from Canada.

Risk

I've been having this conversation both internally and with other people lately and it's a question I haven't fully gathered into an answer, but one that has rocked my world nonetheless.

In the Christian walk, are there really any risks? I mean, if you are truly seeking the Lord, then isn't every "risk" really just a leap of faith?

I think about when the priest were carrying the ark of the covenant and had to cross the Jordan river. In Joshua 3:15 it says:

"During harvest time the Jordan is swollen, running over its banks; but when the priests stepped into the river’s edge, the waters stopped, piling upstream at the city of Adam, near Zarethan, while the water flowing downstream toward the sea of the Arabah, the Dead Sea, ran out. Then the Israelites crossed the Jordan opposite the city of Jericho, walking on dry land just as Moses had led their ancestors from Egypt. While the Israelites crossed on the dry riverbed, the priests who carried the covenant chest stood firmly in the middle of the Jordan until the last Israelite had crossed over."

Again I can't help but wonder what they thought when they came up to the water's edge as in my mind I picture the Jordan river brimming with whitewater rapids! Here they are carrying something so sacred and knowing that this is the way they are to go, but you gotta wonder if they stood there thinking, "Well, this is risky - we could certainly drown."

But they took that first step. They didn't stand at the edge, waiting for the Lord to part the water.  

He waited on them to move.

When they put forth that first step of faith into the river, the waters parted and they crossed on dry land. What may have appeared to be a risk, was really no risk at all because God had a plan and as they were faithful to follow where he was leading them, he was faithful to prepare the way.

So it just comes back to this question. What areas in your life is the Lord asking you to take a step of faith but in your humanness it feels risky? I wonder how many of us are standing on the edge of the water, looking at the rapids in front of us paralyzed with fear? How would it change your next step if you knew that God has prepared the way and that no matter what decision you make, as long as you are seeking him, you're exactly where he wants you?

Maybe he's just waiting on you to take that first step.

Stretch-venture

"One day, the Eternal One called out to Abram.

Eternal One: Abram, get up and go! Leave your country. Leave your relatives and your father’s home, and travel to the land I will show you. Don’t worry—I will guide you there.  I have plans to make a great people from your descendants. And I am going to put a special blessing on you and cause your reputation to grow so that you will become a blessing and example to others.  I will also bless those who bless you and further you in your journey, and I’ll trip up those who try to trip you along the way. Through your descendants, all of the families of the earth will find their blessing in you." -Genesis 12:1-3 VOICE

Leaving everything familiar is hard. Really hard.

At first it might seem like an adventure - heading out into the unknown, not having any idea of what awaits you around the next bend...and that's all very true, but oftentimes adventure is really just code for serious stretching.

I have so many moments in this new life that if I'm really honest, are really lonely. God has been incredibly gracious to connect me with a lot of people, to give me a greater purpose than myself, to stir my heart for others, but in the moments where it's just me...it's hard. I left a place where I had incredible friendships, amazing mentors, a great church, a beautiful home and no need for GPS to constantly figure out where I was :). I know without a doubt that this is where God has called me, but I'd be lying if I sat here and said that there weren't moments I'd like to just go back.

But then I think about Abraham and God calling him to leave his country at the age of 75! Can you imagine the life that he had built and all that he was giving up? Can you imagine the uncertainty of leaving everything that was familiar - maybe the only life he'd ever known for 75 years - and going to a new land to begin again? I'm sure if I could have a peek into his journals that it wasn't all easy, confidence, joy, and certainty. I have a feeling that Abraham and I could sit down over coffee today and that he would share his story and remind me that there are moments that are really difficult, but when God calls you to something, every hardship is worth walking through for the greater purpose and promise He has in store.

"Without any hesitation, Abram went." -Genesis 12:4

I think I've often read that verse and thought "no hesitation = easy", but I'm realizing that you can be fully confident in the Lord, walk forward without hesitation, and still feel the weight of what you just walked through. I didn't hesitate to say goodbye to the life I once knew when God called me here, but that doesn't change the sadness I feel when I miss deep friendships that have taken years to build. But even in those moments, I trust that God has gone before me, he's prepared this new life ahead of me and that he knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and that this new life will continue to unfold one step at a time as he takes me from comfortable into uncomfortable to stretch, challenge and strengthen me - and continue to show me just how extravagantly he loves me.

"For some of us, we'll forfeit the great promises of God because we are too busy being comfortable."

So today, yeah...it might be hard. It might be really lonely and it might be really unclear what lies ahead, but I'd rather be uncomfortable and know confidently I'm right where God wants me. I'd rather be unclear and place all my confidence in Him. I'd rather feel the hurt but rest in the peace that "the deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning." -Psalm 30:5 VOICE

I'd rather be stretched than be comfortable.

Unexpected.

Life is full of unexpected moments.

Like realizing that a year ago I was living in Franklin, TN just going about my day-to-day with no clue that in just 9 months I would be selling my home and pretty much everything I own and moving to Colorado.

Like 4 years ago when I knew I was going to be laid off in a little over a month, had no prospects job-wise but on the day I lost one job, I also started another...and 4 years later it's still the best job I've ever had.

Like 15 years ago when I sat in my illustration professor's office and told him through tears that I just wasn't good enough to be an art major and wouldn't be coming back the next semester and he looked me in the eyes and said, "You've got something special. Please don't give up." A conversation that changed the course of my life and career.

Like today, when I sat with a group of young women and shared life's struggles. I shared some of the things God continues to lay on my heart. I realized He laid them on mine so I could share it with them. The night ended with hugs, coffees scheduled, and a continually deepening passion to pour into the lives of younger women. I drove home tonight realizing that even if I don't know what my life looks like tomorrow, next week or a month from now, I know one thing with confidence: this is where I'm supposed to be today.

Here. In Colorado. At Flatirons. Loving God and loving people.

You see, life is full of unexpected moments to us, but nothing is unexpected to Him. Every day, every moment, every second is significant to the One who created you. Pay attention. Ask. Be available. Listen.

Because God knows how today affects tomorrow, next month, next year and 15 years from now. Today is significant. Don't waste it.

Expect the unexpected.

Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat

Where to begin. I'm in one of those moments where my mind has more thoughts than my mouth could express or my fingers type into words. The past few weeks I've felt like a sponge that had been lost under the sink, dry and crusty and in desperate need of water - and last night and today I was poured into and drenched where my spirit is now full and heavy and completely overwhelmed in the best way possible.

Although that's completely an accurate representation, it also feels odd to say that considering how the past 4 months have unfolded and the ways that I've witnessed God tangibly moving in my life. But the reality is that as absolutely incredible as that has been, it's also been difficult. Transition is hard. New seasons are exciting and equally terrifying, unfamiliar and confusing. I absolutely love where God has brought me and at the same time I have no idea what I'm doing there. I know I'm exactly where he wants me, I'm just not sure what it's supposed to look like in the details.

Tonight Judah Smith spoke and seriously, if you ever have the opportunity to hear him, GO. He's absolutely hilarious and yet full of incredible depth and wisdom. At the beginning of his message I was laughing so hard I was almost crying, and by the end I was actually moved to tears. His message was titled "A Soul That Will Not Sink" based solely off of Psalm 130:

Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life!
    Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
    Listen to my cries for mercy.

If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
    who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
    and that’s why you’re worshiped.

I pray to God—my life a prayer—
    and wait for what he’ll say and do.
My life’s on the line before God, my Lord,
    waiting and watching till morning,
    waiting and watching till morning.

O Israel, wait and watch for God—
    with God’s arrival comes love,
    with God’s arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it—he’ll redeem Israel,
    buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

 This is a passage that could easily be read and overlooked, but he peeled it apart layer by layer in such a beautiful way. It's eight verses that go from a state of desperation to rejoicing. It's a picture of the life that each of us lead in 4 basic steps:

1. This is where I am.

2. This is who You are.

3. This won't last.

4. I'm not the only one.

Or as I translated it in my own life: Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat.

I feel like our lives are like the perfect pair of jeans. You find something that fits just right - hugs you in all the right places and forgives others. You wear those jeans and absolutely love them, but inevitably at some point you have a moment of clumsiness and spill something on them. You throw them in the wash, go through all of the cycles and although sometimes they need a good day or two of "stretching", they're back to being those same jeans that fit just right. But the reality is, they will get dirty again, they will need washing again, they will need to stretch a little...the cycle will need to be repeated many many times throughout the life of those jeans. 

That is how I relate to Judah's message tonight. Life will always be full of amazing seasons, but there will always be something - a worry, an uncertainty, a crisis - so many moments where the enemy will try to defeat you and tear you down. And instead of declaring defeat and giving up, you'll say Lord, here's how I feel...here's where I'm at, but I know that you are a God who is forgiving, a God who never stops working on me, a God who is constantly watching over me and leading and guiding every step of my life. I know this season is challenging, but it won't last forever because you have spoken promises over my life, you have incredible things in store that I cannot even begin to imagine. Thank you that I'm not the only one. Help me to help those who are also hurting or struggling. Let my story be an encouragement to those around me.

And just like that perfect pair of jeans, you'll go through the wash cycle, be stretched and be back to a season of rejoicing.  So no matter where you're at in the journey, just remember God is greater than anything you're facing, no matter how long the process might seem - it won't last forever, and you're not alone. 

Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat.

Week One

Where do I even begin!

A week ago Friday I officially moved to Colorado. Let me just say that again...I LIVE IN COLORADO!!! :) I wake up every morning and when I get in the car to go anywhere, I have this incredible view of the mountains that makes me want to have a dance party! I hope it never gets old. I hope that 10 years from now they still take my breath away. More than that, I hope that I'm still telling the story of how God brought me here and of all that unfolded once I got here. Exciting to think I'm in the midst of that story and I don't even know what is yet to come!

My friend Stephanie was kind enough to drive cross-country with me and help me settle in and unpack. She flew out early Saturday morning, so I dropped her off at the airport and then immediately headed west. I had signed up to get involved with YoungLife and found out earlier that week that they were having a leadership retreat out at Crooked Creek Ranch, so I signed up to go even though I wouldn't know anyone. What better way to just dive in and build community! The drive to the ranch was spectacular - SO incredibly gorgeous! When I arrived I didn't know where to go or what to do since my only point of contact was the Broomfield area leader named Zach, but we hadn't even met yet so I wasn't sure what he looked like. I found two girls walking toward the main lodge and asked if they knew Zach, and while they didn't, they were able to help me find him. The group had just finished eating breakfast so I dropped my things off at the room and then immediately headed to a main gathering time. From there we had an opportunity to just go spend some time with the Lord and then meet up with our local area groups. Zach introduced me to the team and shared a little bit of my story and I gotta say, I've never met a more inviting or welcoming group of people! It was completely overwhelming in the best way possible! It was a whirlwind of a weekend, but an absolute gift from the Lord. My greatest fear in moving was that I would be lonely, and satan never even stood a chance! I went from not knowing anyone to an incredible group of friends/community in the first 24 hours. And that's just the beginning!

At dinner Saturday night I struck up a conversation with a girl named Haylee and mentioned that I was a little nervous about my housing. I knew it was potentially temporary (the house is on the market) and multiple people had mentioned how hard housing is to come by in the Broomfield area. She said, "Oh girl! This is perfect! 3 of us are actually looking for a place to live and would love to have a 4th roommate!" I said, "Well I know it's temporary, but you're all welcome to move in with me if you want!" She asked where I lived and her eyes lit up. She told the other two girls and they had the same reaction. Little did I know that where I'm living was exactly where they had been praying to move. In fact, they had an opportunity to move into another house and were needing to make a decision on the lease by that coming Wednesday. Just earlier that week, one of the girls (Cassidy) had said, "I'm praying that God opens up another door before Wednesday." Little did she know... :)

Monday I met with Zach for coffee and just got more excited to get involved with YoungLife. That night a friend that I haven't seen in 3 years happened to be in town so we grabbed a spontaneous dinner and just enjoyed hours of great conversation. It was such a treat and perfect timing to have a familiar friendly face.  The next morning the girls came over to check out the house and made the decision to move in. After they left I took off for the Apple store to get my iphone battery checked out. The Genius tech plugs my phone in to check the battery and says, "So I see you have Bible Gateway on here. What do you use that for?" I immediately assumed he must be a Christian, so I talked about how I read various devotionals on my kindle and use Bible Gateway to look up the scripture references in various translations. I mentioned that I just moved to the area and asked where he went to church. He said he didn't. I asked how long he'd lived here thinking maybe that's why he hadn't found a church yet. He said his whole life. I invited him to a church that I hadn't even started attending yet, but I think the Lord kinda tricked me into it. :) I say that because I realized when I left the Apple store that I don't actually have Bible Gateway on my phone. I have it on my ipad (which is why it didn't throw me off initially), but not on my phone. Not sure what he saw instead, but I just know God was all over that!

Wednesday I threw stuff in the crockpot to make chicken taco soup and then decided it would be a great meal to share, so I invited the girls that were moving in to come over for dinner. It was a gorgeous day, so I set the patio table outside and just had a great time getting to know the girls a bit more. After that was my first YoungLife Club experience. Zach invited me to come and just sit back and observe - soak it all in. I loved it! I laughed so hard, loved watching the kids interact with each other and just got excited to be a part of this incredible organization. There was another girl named Abbie that was there observing as well. Zach introduced us and mentioned that she attends Flatirons. We started talking and I found out that she's a senior at CU, so I asked if she was involved with Flatirons young adult group. She said she wasn't, so I invited her to go with me the next night as I was going to "shadow" it before my volunteer interview. Love how God orchestrated the timing of that!

Thursday I checked out a new coffee shop called Proper Grounds across the street from the church. When I arrived there was only one 4-person table available. I hated to take it, but it was the only option. I setup to start working and about 30 minutes later a group of women - I'm going to guess mid-50's - came in to order and asked if they could sit at my table for a moment while their friend used the restroom. I said absolutely and struck up a conversation. They kept trying to give me their food which was in itself pretty funny! After repeatedly declining their offers, one lady just broke her muffin in half and gave it to me, ha! Not gonna lie, it was molasses and it was delicious. Anyway, somewhere in the conversation I mention that I just moved to the area and one lady proceeds to pull out a pamphlet to hand to me, mentioning that they're Jehovah's Witnesses. I said thank you for the offer but proceeded to share a little bit of my story and told them that I attend Flatirons across the street. We talked a bit more before they took off, but I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that the only table available was meant to be a larger table for that whole interaction to take place. Love how God works!

Thursday night I went to the launch of the new Merge (young adult group) at Flatirons. I met Abbie there and her friend Kristin. We had a large gathering first and then split into age groups (18-20, 21-23, 24+). I actually went to the 21-23 group to stick with Abbie and Kristin and although I felt just slightly out of place in regards to age (not maturity :)), I enjoyed getting to know the people that were in my small group. Really looking forward to getting involved even more.

Saturday I met up with my friend that was in from out of town for an early morning hike. So much fun! The weather was just incredible, the scenery was gorgeous, the trails were even a bit muddy which was fun, and all of that combined with the company and conversation just made for a great morning. From there I went home and hung up my hammock in the backyard for a little quiet time/nap before heading to Louisville (adorable small town) to meet Abbie for coffee. After we said goodbye I went over to Cassidy's house for a cookout and just sat outside talking and getting to know people until late into the night.

But the best part of this past week was actually a small moment today that was what I would call a "full circle" moment. Bob (my landlord) came over to check on a few things and we got into a great conversation. He and his wife are Christians and attend a church in Boulder. He mentioned that when they got the email from me last month saying that God was calling me to Broomfield, they both thought it was a little odd because they're not "those kind of people", but they also believe that God does speak to people, so they weren't going to argue with it. Also, he admitted they were nervous because I wasn't going to be making much of a dent in their mortgage. He said God had been really teaching them to let go and trust in his timing. I shared the more detailed story of how God had called me to Broomfield and he said, "Wow. That gives me goosebumps!" and I said that although they're selling the house, we're all praying that somehow God will provide a way for us to stay. Maybe the new owner will be purchasing the home as a rental - who knows, and if it doesn't work out, we're trusting that the timing of the sale of this home will be directly aligned with the timing of just the right property becoming available for us to move. I mention the issue of budget and Bob says, "you know the crazy thing? We were so nervous to rent the house to you for so little, but when you brought in the 3 girls, we're now actually making more on the house than what we rented it for the past 7 years." I just grinned and said, "Who would have guessed last week that within 24 hours of moving in I would have hit it off with 3 girls that I'm super excited to live with, love Jesus, and needed a place to rent - and it's exactly what all of us needed! Isn't it cool that with God it's a win for everyone?"

So that, my friends, was my first week in this absolutely breathtaking place! This week I have an interview with Flatirons to volunteer with Merge, am going to a Rockies game with a girl I've never met and am looking forward to spending more time getting to know the 3 amazing women I get to share a home with. I just keep pinching myself!! Not only have none of my fears or worries about this move come to fruition (not shocking), but it has actually been the complete opposite to where I feel absolutely at home in a place that is completely new and foreign and that can only be the Lord. I am giddy with anticipation of what is coming next! Stay tuned! :)

If You Only Knew

Just two short months ago, on June 24, I was sitting at my computer working away like any other day. All of the sudden I felt this strong nudge from the Lord to stop what I was doing and go write down my dreams. I'll be honest, it was really odd. I'm someone who usually journals first thing in the morning or late at night, but I never stop and write things down in the middle of the day. I dismissed it at first, but it kept tugging at my heart, so I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my journal, and started writing.

If I only knew what the next day had in store...

On June 25th my roommate was driving me to the airport and I asked the question, "How do you know when it's okay to just make a choice because you want to or when you need to wait for God to make it clear that He's leading you that way?" It stemmed from a podcast I'd listen to the week before when Bob Goff talked about taking the summer off to be with his kids (I mentioned that story here). He didn't wait for the firm to offer "summers off for lawyers", he just knew he wanted to spend more time with his children and he made the choice. I had been chewing on that for days, wondering how often I was stuck because I was waiting for writing in the sky.

So we're having this general conversation on faith and she says, "Trish, I have an idea that I'd like to throw out to you. I've been thinking I'd like to live on my own for a while, so what would you think about me taking over the mortgage so that you could just pack your car and move to Colorado. I know it's something you've always wanted to do, and this way you could just try it without making any major changes yet." Honestly, I sat there dumbfounded. I mean, what an incredible offer! What an incredible opportunity! It seriously set off the entire boatload of internal fireworks within me! I'm sure I had this shockingly giddy look on my face and I said, "It's like you just became God's writing in the sky!"

I left for Arizona that day and then the next week for Colorado. I got home on July 13th and as I mentioned in this post,  started putting out feelers and asking the Lord for housing. God quickly provided in a way that continues to blow my mind. What happened after that post is even crazier. The week they sent me the lease, I had a few questions before I signed it and received an email from the couple asking if I would take their home in Louisville instead of Broomfield. Logically it made perfect sense - it was already fully furnished, it was bigger, it was closer to the church, it was in a nice neighborhood and they wouldn't have to move anything. I agreed completely...except for one minor detail - it was in the wrong city. I was so confused and felt the Lord asking me, "would you still be okay with moving into the house I've provided if you knew you wouldn't even have a chair to sit on or a glass to drink out of?" I said, "Yes. I'm not going to say it would be easy. In fact, it would be difficult, but I trust that if you're calling me there and you're taking it all away, you'll provide everything I need." So, after talking it through with an amazing, Godly friend of mine, I sent the couple an email saying that I absolutely understood that logically it makes no sense, but the two things I'm clear on is the church I am supposed to be involved in and the city he wants me to live in. So if that meant they couldn't provide anything other than the roof over my head, I am okay with that. About 5 minutes later I received a phone call from them saying, "If that's where God is calling you, then that's where you need to be and we will do whatever we can to help you." A week later I received an email saying, "We will have a table and chairs, futon, bedding, silverware, glasses, mugs, TV, washer, dryer, fridge, etc. for you at the house when you arrive. I packed some sheets, blankets, a pillow, knives, a cutting board, towels, pots and pans, cookie sheets, measuring cups and spoons, and a shower curtain liner in the boxes for you." Did I mention this couple is putting the house on the market the day I arrive? They're furnishing a home (with the help of various members from their church volunteering their trucks to haul things) that they may very well be "unfurnishing" just shortly after I arrive. It's absolutely crazy and definitely God. :)

That same weekend I started feeling a nudge to sell the house. I can't really explain it - honestly it felt more like a logical decision at the time than anything. I just knew that although the opportunity to go was temporary, my desire to stay was not. I knew in my heart that this was all a temporary solution to a long-term move. I definitely wanted to respect my roommate and not leave her homeless, so I sat down to talk with her and see what her thoughts were on the house. Things had unfolded in the few short weeks between her original offer and she agreed that it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and put the house on the market and just let it take its time - and that she was still okay with taking the house until then. Although hard to explain, it wasn't a decision based out of fear or worry, in all honesty, it just seemed like the next right step.

So, I called my realtor, signed the paperwork, listed the house late on August 12th, had the first showing on August 18th and by August 22nd there was an offer on the table and it was finalized the next day. The next 5 days I proceeded to sell every piece of furniture that I own, every decorative item, and most of my kitchen including all of my dishes. I went from a 1350sq ft home with a large 2 car garage full of storage to a Prius filled with my clothes, shoes, ski/outdoor gear and a few other random items that I was able to fit in it.

If I only knew that the first conversation with my roommate on June 24th would ultimately lead me down the path that unfolded over the next 2 months...honestly, I probably would have freaked out. God graciously prepared my heart for each step - one piece at a time - so that when they unfolded, it wasn't as difficult as I had anticipated.

If I only knew that when I wrote down my dreams on June 24th that just 2 short months later, 3 dreams would have already come true, I would have never believed it. See, the interesting thing about dreaming is that we often have an idea in our heads of how those dreams will unfold, and when they don't unfold the way we anticipated, we often think they didn't come true. That's why it's so important to write them down so that you can go back and be reminded that God is faithful! Did I expect that dreaming to live a "simpler life" would mean selling everything I own? Gracious no! Did I think that the ability to spend more of my time serving others and less time working would happen through selling the house, having an amazing and affordable housing opportunity in Colorado and therefore not having any other debt/expenses aside from insurance and a cell phone? Not in a million years! In fact, if I knew that was how it was going to unfold at the time, I probably would have retracted the dream because it would have seemed terrifying.

A friend of mine recently shared a story of her brother and his wife. He was the youth pastor and she volunteered with the youth and his whole family kept telling him she was perfect for him, but he just wasn't attracted to her in that way. This continued on for well over a year and a moment came where his eyes saw her differently and his heart was drawn to her and he said to his mom, "It's like I finally realized that what I always needed was actually what I always wanted, I just didn't even know it." God truly does give you the desires of your heart...they just often come in a different package than you might have anticipated. 

So in the midst of so much excitement, sadness, transition, tears, fears and anticipation...God continues to whisper...

I know that what is best for you will in turn actually become the very thing you so desperately want, so trust Me with your every desire.

I know that when I closed the door back then it was only for the better plan I have in store today, so don't live in the disappointment of the past or expect it for your future.

I know that what I have in store for you is far beyond your wildest expectations, so don't waste another second worrying about tomorrow.

So when worry, uncertainty, doubt and disappointment start to creep in, just be still and hear God whispering to your heart...  

If you only knew.

The Dark Room

Recently I stumbled across a photo from a novice film photographer much like the one above. He had set his camera up to capture the sunset and when he developed the film, was surprised to find that the image was much more than what he expected. While he had been focusing on the perfectly timed shot of the sun going down, he had captured a dolphin leaping out of the water at the very same moment.

I can't help but think how much our lives are like that picture.

The Lord often takes us into the dark room to be developed. He has so perfectly captured the season of life that we're walking into, but little do we know what is about to show up. It's a process - a journey - one that you have to walk through every single step because if you miss one part of the development process, the picture won't unfold the way it was meant to look. But even more than that, how often do we go through the season in the dark room only to discover that something surprising has shown up in the process. That "perfectly timed" moment has been captured in a way that is so unexpected, but it's that reminder that everything happens in God's perfect timing. He has created a beautiful picture through our lives, full of constant surprises that continue to blow us away.

Look back over your life for a moment and think about a season where you lived in worry, anxiousness and fear. Was it worth it? Did what you fear actually happen, and even if it did, was your life ruined because of it? I would venture to say that while your life hasn't gone the way you anticipated, it's unfolded in better ways than you could have written for yourself. Because of that, why do you still worry about tomorrow? A friend reminded me this morning of the Provers 31 woman - "Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear she smiles when she thinks about the future."

So no matter the season you're in, whether it feels like darkness, whether there is uncertainty, whether there is fear...remember that God is developing something beautiful in you. Surrender all of your worries to him and anticipate the future that he has in store for you. Who knows what you'll see when the picture He's created is hung up to dry, but I guarantee you'll step back, take it all in...and smile. :)

When There's Nothing Left...

“If you want to give it all you’ve got,” Jesus replied, “go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me.” That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crestfallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn’t bear to let go.  -Matthew 19:20-21 (MSG)

I wouldn't even begin to to say that I am the rich man in this parable (for many reasons, but one of those being, I am not rich :)), but I can't help but feel like I understand how he might have felt as he walked away. I wouldn't consider myself someone that holds on to "things", but I am walking into a season where that is being challenged in my life in the most extreme way possible.

It started with the move. God provided an opportunity for me to leave everything behind (awaiting my return) and pack up what I can fit in my car (a prius, mind you :)) and drive west. Beyond excited, I said yes. Then it came time to find housing. I anticipated just renting a room from someone from the practical standpoint of not having anything with me to furnish a house. God was very clear on the location of the move and I am beyond grateful for the housing, but am not surprised that it will be living very simply with just a couch, table and some dishes that the landlord has been so gracious to provide.

I was beginning to see a pattern of "stripping away", but oh, he wasn't finished yet :). This weekend I felt the Lord laying it on my heart to put the house on the market before I moved - which was not at ALL a part of the original plan. Once I came home and talked to my roommate and she shared some things that had unfolded while I was gone, it was a clear confirmation that it was time. That means I have 4 weeks to sell everything I own. And I mean everything. I'm only holding onto my grandparents dining room table/hutch, china and crystal, my vintage cake plate collection, memorabilia and my Bosch mixer. Everything else is being sold or given away...and it's harder than I thought!

And yet it's so freeing.

I feel like God is taking me into a season of stripping away everything that I thought defined me. The way my home looks, having a fully equipped kitchen to be an inviting hostess, my collection of Frilly Milly party goods to celebrate life's moments, a lovely little neighborhood in a great location with beautiful amenities. I will officially own less than I did the day I graduated from college. Things that this world would say represents my success or achievements in life are going to be gone. And yet, thankfully, I know I am not defined by this world. 

If one major thing has changed in my life over this past year, it is realizing Who it is that defines me.

I wish I could say that knowing and understanding that makes it easy. It doesn't. Not today. It's a process of listening, trusting, following, expecting, waiting and still feeling the pain of the refining fire, the pruning and not knowing what lies on the other side, but knowing that He works all things together for good. It's still being hurt by circumstances and people, but it's remembering through the tears that there's a greater purpose in all of this that I can't see or comprehend right now, but if I could, I wouldn't be afraid and would walk in complete peace. It's knowing that whatever He is asking of me now is ultimately preparation for what He has for me later. 

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. -Romans 12:2 (MSG)

Most days it feels like that little girl in the church parking lot, learning how to ride her bike. You fall, you bleed, you bruise and you definitely want to give up, but your parents keep making you get back on your bike because they know the joy you will experience once you've learned how to ride without the training wheels slowing you down.

Those training wheels for me represent the crutch of stuff, titles, accolades and even approval. Who are you when your job title doesn't define you? Who are you when no one sees what you're doing? Who are you when you only have your love, words and actions to define you?  I don't know what's around the bend, but I feel like God has taken off my training wheels and even though it's difficult and often hurts, He knows that the painful process is worth it for the promise of what is to come.  

The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. -Philippians 3:7-8

Here goes everything.

Saying Goodbye & Hello

So many of you have asked for updates throughout the journey of the move and a way to stay in touch with all that happens in this new season of my life, so I'm going to try to do a better job of keeping up with this blog and sharing as many details as I can. I apologize in advance for the wordiness, but I love that God is in the details, so I don't want to leave any of them out! :)

To be honest, I think I'm still in a bit of shock over how quickly this came about and how all of the details have so effortlessly and perfectly fallen into place! Such an obvious testament that God is leading and has already prepared the way - which is such a peaceful reassurance when I have those moments where I think "what the heck am I doing?!" :)

When the opportunity for the move unfolded last month, many people asked me where I would be moving. Usually there's an obvious location based on a job transition, but as a freelance designer, I didn't have to be in any specific spot. Frankly, that was kind of an overwhelming idea when you think about all of the amazing and beautiful cities throughout the great state of Colorado! So as I prayed about it, I knew that I was feeling called to plugin and serve at Flatirons Church, so that became my radius point. Before I left for my most recent trip to CO, I pulled up a map and looked at that radius and for whatever reason, Broomfield really stood out to me. Probably out of logic more than anything, so I certainly didn't put much weight to it. I hopped on a plane a few days after that to fly to CO and sat next to a sweet teacher from Wyoming who I talked with throughout the flight. At one point in the conversation when I brought up the move she said, "Have you looked at Broomfield? I feel like that would be a good fit for you." Interesting...noted. :)

That night, I drove from the airport to a friend's house (who was out of town) in Littleton where I was going to be staying for the weekend. She had arranged for her roommate to leave a key under the mat upon my arrival. I had booked this specific trip 6+ months ago for the wedding, not too long after my roommate got engaged, mostly thinking I wanted to enjoy exploring CO before it was all about the wedding - especially being the weekend of the 4th of July. As the months progressed, plans changed. Various friends I had made plans with were now going to be out of town and I wasn't really sure why I was still coming early. I debated changing my flight altogether, but felt like God wanted me to leave it alone and just roll with it.

So, I'm in the car, feeling ridiculous and asking the Lord what on earth I was doing that weekend in CO. I felt that still small voice whisper, "Just let me surprise me. Let me lead." I smiled to myself and thought - alright, bring it :). SO, I get to the house in Littleton at about 11:30pm and the lights were off and there wasn't a key under the mat. I called her roommate, but no answer. I called my friend (who was in NY - felt so bad about that late night call!), but other than her trying to call her roommate, there wasn't really anything she could do either. So, I figured it was going to be a night of sleeping in my rental car, which made me laugh because it just makes for a hilarious story :). I posted something to that effect on Facebook and as I settled into the car for the night and within minutes, received a text.

Backstory: The Andersons were the pastors of the church I went to from 6th grade through high school. Our family moved an hour away when I was in high school, so they were our extended family and "home away from home" on youth group nights since we also went to school in that same city. Anyway, their son (Eric) was good friends with my brother and has lived in CO with his wife for the past 10 years, but I haven't seen him since high school and had never met his wife. Just a few weeks before this, his wife (Crystal) messaged me on FB asking if we could be friends and I mentioned coming into town and looking forward to meeting up with them and getting to meet her. We exchanged phone numbers and that brings us back to this moment... :)

Anyway, I get this text from Crystal saying that they saw my FB post and wanted to know if I needed a place to stay. Of course I welcomed the opportunity for a bed rather than a reclining carseat :), so I said that would be awesome and asked for their address. I had to laugh when she texted it to me and it was Broomfield. Listening, Lord :).

I ended up spending the weekend at their house and a lot of time with them - including attending church with them at Flatirons - where they attend along with Crystal's entire family. I enjoyed it so much, I not only went Saturday night but again on Sunday morning. It further confirmed what God had already laid on my heart and it took every bit of restraint not to just get on their webpage and sign up for every possible opportunity to serve/plugin/connect even though I had no idea of the timeframe of the move or where I was going to be living. I just knew with full confidence, I wanted to be a part of this church and all that they are doing.

So, I got back home and just started putting out feelers. I always have a hard time knowing how much God would expect of me and how much I need to let go and let him do his thing. So I emailed everyone I know in CO even though none of them live in the vicinity of where I'll be moving, I joined the church's singles page on FB and posted the need for housing on there and I also put an ad on craigslist. When I felt like I'd exhausted my resources, I said, "Ok God, I've done all I know to do and I'm done. I won't search anymore, I won't send anymore emails and I won't worry about it. I trust that you have a plan for this and now I'm going to just sit back, enjoy the time that you've give me here with friends and family and trust that everything will unfold in your perfect timing."

I swear, no sooner had we had that conversation than my email began to explode. Then it became a matter of praying through what opportunities God wanted me to pursue and what he wanted me to say no to. Initially, none of them were in Broomfield so although so many were tempting, I was torn. I wasn't sure if I needed to say no to all of them and continue to wait for Broomfield since that's where I felt God was leading. The morning I was going to give my answer to the options, this was the verse in my daily reading:

But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you.
    He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
    Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.
Isaiah 30:18

So I started to decline the various offers. I called to talk to one couple, who had a house in Louisville that was honestly in a great location (really close to the church), but not Broomfield, and when we began the conversation they mentioned that the house for rent in Louisville was already spoken for (further confirmation it wasn't the right one for me), but that they had one in Broomfield that they wondered if I would be interested in. One small problem - it wasn't going to be furnished and I'm just packing up my car with an air mattress, clothes and outdoor gear. They said they would be happy to furnish it. Um, ok?! They ask price and I tell them what I can afford (lump sum including utilities), knowing it's not much considering the space. They say no problem, that works for them. I email them later asking about wifi and other questions and they respond asking what kind of speed and how many cable channels I would like. I honestly sat there, a bit dumbfounded, feeling like they were helping me out more than I am helping them. Even more interesting to me is that the house is just a few streets over from where I stayed with Eric & Crystal just a few weekends ago, so I already know exactly what the area looks like.

So, pending my character references, as of September 5th I will be living in the great state of Colorado. Just typing that gives me nervous belly! lol! I've already signed up for a women's Bible study through the church, requested to meet with the college pastor to start serving in that ministry, emailed the local Young Life chapter and have been researching various ministry opportunities to work with troubled teen girls as well. The hardest part is that I want to spend my days serving and not working, but am so grateful to have a job that provides the flexibility to do both and trusting that as He has been faithful to provide clients in the past, He will continue to do that in a city where I don't have 12 years of connections :). It's exciting to be on the precipice of a new season, knowing that I don't even have a clue of all that is to come, but fully believing it's going to be nothing short of amazing!

So stay tuned! Here goes everything! :)

The Right Moment

Do you ever feel like you're in a season where you just can't seem to make sense of anything? I'm there people. If there is one thing (although there are MANY) that the Lord is clearly teaching me, it's that I cannot understand His ways...and certainly not His timing.

I think about in the Bible when Lazarus is dying and Jesus chose to stay where he was rather than prevent his death. I wonder if Lazarus' sisters thought, "I don't understand! If Jesus loves Lazarus so much, why isn't he rushing to his side to heal him?" But Jesus knew that his glory would be greater shown in the death of Lazarus. I think about the disciples being in the midst of the storm while Jesus slept on the boat and I'm sure they thought, "I don't understand how he can be sleeping? Doesn't he know what we're going through? Certainly he must realize the danger that we're in!" But Jesus waited for the right moment, allowing them to witness Him in more powerful ways by his perfectly timed arrival.

His perfect timing...not mine.

Today Mike Glenn posted an article called "In the fullness of time" where he talks about chronos (chronology) and kairos (right moments). He goes on to say...

While there might not be an exact time (chronos) there's certainly a right moment (kairos). And God deals with right moments.

You see it all the time in the Bible. "In the fullness of time," God acted. When everything was just right, God moved.

The problem most of us have is that we're driven by chronological time. That means we expect things to be done by a certain time.

I'll be completely honest, I have a really hard time with chronos vs. kairos. I certainly don't want anything before it's God's time, but I struggle with patience, understanding and letting go of planning and letting God lead instead.

Here I am on the precipice of a major new season in my life where God has so very clearly orchestrated all of the details in ways I could have never imagined, but I still doubt because I can't see the full picture. I'm afraid I won't find housing. I'm afraid I'll struggle to make friends. I'm afraid I won't have enough work and then won't be able to find a job. I'm afraid I'll be terribly lonely.

But then I look at all that God has done over the past 3+ years of my life to bring me to this moment. I may not understand today, tomorrow or the next day, but I trust that his timing is perfect. His ways are higher than my ways. He works everything together for good. I will never be disappointed if I hope in Him. God doesn’t call us to a ‘place’ and then forget about us. He always provides. But we cannot rush Him. We need to patiently wait for Him to move. He is never late. He is always on time, HIS time.

O waiting soul, be still, be strong,
And though He tarry, trust and wait;
Doubt not, He will not wait too long,
Fear not, He will not come too late.

It's time to dream again

Do you have dreams that you've forgotten about? Dreams that you've maybe tucked away into a clear, glass box that you often look at, but ultimately feel like they're untouchable...that there's no way to pull out what is so carefully hidden inside?

Several months ago my church did a series on Dreams called "When Pigs Fly". The very first sermon in the series was called "Becoming Aware". Pete talked about becoming aware of your dreams and gave different ways to help you figure them out. I thought about it a lot that week and didn't realize it, but I was really only willing to scratch the surface of my dreams...things like seeing the world, living a simple life, being involved in local and global missions opportunities, impacting people...none of them bad things, but none of them really digging down deep. I felt like the Lord said, "look further".

So I did. I went to that closet of my heart. You know the one? The closet that you've shoved a bunch of things that were hard to want because at one point they were dreams and hopes that didn't happen and rather than keep them out in plain sight and wait for them, it was easier to just shove them in a closet, lock it and ignore them? Yeah, THAT closet. And I swear, when I unlocked it and opened it, everything came tumbling out on top of me and sorting through everything began to feel really overwhelming.

Honestly, I don't even think that I realized I had a closet. I lived so many years just being "blissfully content" - not asking for anything, not dreaming of anything, not wanting anything beyond my current circumstances, that I just forgot that God still has bigger plans for my life beyond what today looks like. That God wants me to ask Him for things - BIG things, things that seem completely impossible, things that I so often doubt could happen but pray in faith that they will.

One of those dreams was to live in Colorado. If any of you have followed my blog for long you'll remember back in 2008 when I put the house on the market to move to Colorado. In fact, I posted a blog on July 13, 2009 (ironic that it was exactly 5 years TO THE DAY that I returned home from my trip this year) where I said "It's good to be home...or at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself! Tennessee is a beautiful place, but sometimes when I go to Colorado I secretly think God designed it with me in mind. Let's face it people, I'm his favorite!! :) Kidding...kidding... Seriously though, it only gets more beautiful to me every time I visit. I just want to take it all and put it in a little pocket-sized bottle so I can pull it out whenever I want and bask in its beauty." It's a long story, but essentially I know it wasn't God's timing for me to move then, but it's taken me 6 years to finally go back to that dream and ask again. And this time, God said yes.

He's provided an amazing opportunity for me to just pack up my car and head west without having to immediately deal with selling my house and figuring out what things to keep/put into storage. That in itself is beyond huge - not because I'm at all attached to the house or things, but because that's just a lot of decisions to make at once that can feel completely overwhelming - especially when I'm not sure what my living situation will be long-term. Right now I'm just waiting on his provision for housing and anticipating that he will open the door to just the right place and people!

What I am MOST excited about it is getting involved in a new church and meeting new people. I have no doubt that leaving the amazing friends and community that I have in Nashville will be the hardest part, but just knowing where I want to plug-in already is exciting! I literally intend to over-commit myself to being involved in the college ministry, serving at the rescue mission, getting involved in a small group, meeting new people doing various outdoor activities...just putting myself out there as much as possible and trusting that the Lord will connect me with all the right relationships. It's slightly terrifying - even for an extrovert, but WAY more exciting than it is scary.

I share all of this mainly to ask - what are your dreams? What are the desires that God has placed in your heart that you feel like you've stopped acknowledging or stopped asking for? I'm still sorting through my closet and I know there are dreams that I'm still forgetting about, but I'm cleaning things out. I'm not shoving anything in the closet anymore. I'm taking each dream and surrendering it to God. I'm going to follow His lead, wait for His timing, trust His purpose and expect miracles even when things appear impossible.

Because I serve a God who is greater than anything I could ever begin to hope for or imagine. So why not dream...and dream BIG :).

Staying Safe

Yesterday as I flew home I listened to podcasts. They have quickly become one of my favorite things...and with so many to follow, it's a perfect way to kill hours of time sitting on an airplane (mind you, only if the people next to me aren't chatty. I love meeting strangers on airplanes :)). One of the podcasts I listened to was from Relevant magazine and it was a conversation between Donald Miller (author of my favorite book - A Million Miles in a Thousand Years) and Bob Goff (the author of Love Does and someone I greatly admire). One of the things that Bob shared that has really stuck out to me was this:

Pick your life, backfill your career.

If I'm being totally honest, more and more I find myself wanting to sell everything I own and go down a completely different path. I'd love to be doing something that is making an impact and not care if it's making a lot of money. I don't want "stuff".  I want to see the world, I want to explore the outdoors, I'd love to move to the mountains and have SNOW in the winter, I want to live in community, I want to live a life of purpose and meaning and further the kingdom. I want a family. I have no desire for a big house or fancy cars. Give me simple, give me freedom, give me quality over quantity and I'm in.

I think oftentimes people choose a "lifestyle" and then a career to pay for it, but how many of us choose a life and make a career work into that? For instance, Bob Goff realized at some point in his career that he wanted his life to be more about his family than his job. He realized that he wanted to have stories to share with his kids when they were grown and the best way to do that was to spend time with them. So, although he was a lawyer with only a few weeks paid vacation, he went into the office on a Friday and said, "I'm taking the summer off to spend it with my kids." As you can expect, it was not well-received and the response was basically "uh, you can take a sabbatical in like, 15 years." So come Monday morning, he just didn't show up for work. He took the summer off and chose to invest in his family rather than growing his career. As you can imagine, it did change the trajectory of his job, but because of that experience, he decided to start his own firm so he could have the freedom to make those kind of choices...and it ultimately led to him being the Honorary Consul to Uganda where he began Restore International in 2003 to “find daring, productive, and effective ways to fight the injustices committed against children.”

Recently my church had a sermon titled "Failure > Success" and one of the things that he said that continues to stick with me is that "we always calculate the cost of risk, but fail to recognize the greater cost of staying safe." I have been chewing on that for the past several weeks. How much of my life am I wasting by "staying safe" by just living a life of predictability and false security? I often wait for some kind of writing on the wall or major moment to happen before I take any kind of step forward, but what if God is asking me to step out in faith first? I would love a clearly laid out plan, but where would the faith be in that? If Bob had stayed safe he would still be at that first law firm, he would have missed out on countless memories spending the summers with his family and thousands of children would not have been rescued in Uganda. All of that (and more) happened because Bob chose to step out in faith and not show up for work that Monday morning so many years ago.

So the question becomes - if you got rid of everything, if you didn't require a salary to cover any expenses, if you could just live the life that you dream - what would that be? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I do know one thing: I'm no longer ignoring the price of staying safe.