Hold onto Hope

To all of my friends who are waiting. To all of those with dreams that have gone unfulfilled. To all of those praying for a miracle. It's time to take hold of Hope.

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This is one of those post I've probably sat down to write at least a dozen times over the years, but I'll be honest, I wasn't brave enough. I wasn't brave enough to actually say (write) it out loud because I've always felt so much pressure to push past how I really feel and fight for what I felt like I should feel. There is always some truth to that, but there's something about being honest and vulnerable that I think holds a lot more weight and relate-able value. So here goes...

In less than one month I'll be 35. The number doesn't intimidate me. Aging in and of itself doesn't bother me. But what makes that number difficult for me is that it's one more year of my life that I've been single. 35 years of never dating anyone. 35 years of not being pursued. 35 years of being a "great friend" to many great guys, but 35 years of questioning what is wrong with me that no one ever wanted more than that. 35 years of fighting the lies of "you are not attractive", "you're too much", "you're not enough" and the list goes on and on.

Yes, I'm turning 35 and I've never been in a relationship BUT...

I've taught Sunday school, led youth, led young adults, gone on missions trips, volunteered with some amazing organizations, toured with a recording artist, traveled the world, skied, snowmobiled, backpacked, camped, hiked, snowshoed, zip lined, para sailed, bought 2 houses, remodeled one, built the other, sold them both, worked for companies, became self-employed, threw parties and most recently sold most everything I owned and moved halfway across the country to a place I've always dreamed of living. And that barely makes a dent.

I have lived 35 beautiful years that I am absolutely grateful for. God has taught me so much. He has been gracious to provide amazing women along the way that have become lifelong friends. Friends who challenge me, sharpen me and bring incredible joy to my life. Had I been dating people at any point in time, I could have easily missed out on a number of those relationships. I wouldn't trade any one of them for a guy.

But I desire to be married. I would love to have children. I've just felt for years like I'm not allowed to be unhappy with not having either one.

So I told myself to just be content. Don't want anything beyond what is presently in front of you. Keep your dreams within reach. Only do what you can do with what you've got and don't worry about the rest - or in other words...if you can't do anything about it, stop dreaming about it.

So for years, I shut myself off emotionally. I told myself that I just wasn't allowed to dream about marriage and a family because I'm not guaranteed that, and if I hope for it I'll only make myself miserable. Better to be content and satisfied with life than to be disappointed, but as C.S. Lewis so beautifully said:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Over the years my heart had been wrapped in bubble wrap and carefully locked up. It was safe, it was unbreakable...but it was suffocating. You see, last year God took my very numb and motionless heart, rubbed together the defibrillator paddles and shocked it back to life. He re-awakened places in my life that I didn't even know existed anymore. He reminded me that it's ok to be content as long as you're still contending. He asked me to hope again.

Hope.

Honestly, hope had long ago become a 4-letter word to me if you know what I mean. Hope always meant disappointment, and who wants that? But hope will always mean disappointment if you put it in the wrong thing.

He said "Trish...

Hope. In. Me."

So I sat in the boat with my life vest on, looking at the raging river in front of me. Over and over again I wanted to just turn around and paddle back to shore - to the calm and comfortable beach. The place where I knew exactly what to expect and didn't feel anything. But when God reawakened my heart, there was no going back. It was time to take off the life vest and jump in. It was time to get out of the boat and trust that God would guide me. It was time to ask specifically, dream big and start hoping again. Not to hope for the dream, but in the Giver of the dream. Not to hope for a future, but in the One who planned my future. Not to hope for a different story, but in the Author of the most beautifully penned stories of all time.

I don't look back with regret, rather I am grateful for the gift of time he's given me. Time to serve, time to grow, time to learn so much that I hope will help me be a better woman...and if God allows, a better wife and mother someday. But my heart is no longer carefully locked away. It's unwrapped, it's open, it's available. And for the first time in my life, I've started dreaming again. I've started asking God specifically for things. Things that seem ridiculous, crazy and impossible, but He's stirred my heart to dream big dreams!

And while I don't want anything or anyone more than Him, I look forward with expectancy and anticipation for all that is yet to come - because I know no matter how it unfolds, it's all a gift from a loving, extravagant, perfect Father who always knows what is best for me and has never offered me any less. He has always been faithful. He will never stop being faithful.

For those of you that are in that same season - whether it is waiting for a baby, spouse, job, healing or whatever miracle that may seem impossible...put all your hope in Him. It's a gamble you can make that guarantees a win. Your bets will come back multiplied. It's absolutely impossible to lose. You serve a God who can do "far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!" (Ephesians 3:20a MSG)

You've not been set aside...you've been set apart!

So as you step forward into the new year, reawaken your heart and take hold of Hope. The Hope that came to this world as a baby. The Hope that offered his own life to save yours. The Hope that even in life's darkest moments, will be your brightest light.

Hold onto Hope.