Layovers of Life

Most of life is met with a clear idea of what your season entails. From age 5-18 that's usually school related and every extracurricular you can pack in. For some, 19-22 (or 23, 24 or 25 ;)) are college years - focusing on your degree and making plans for the next chapter of your life. And then age starts to become something pretty diverse. Some get married and start a family, some dive into careers and climb the corporate ladder and some take off for wild adventures backpacking across Europe. But somewhere, and sometimes repeatedly at different points throughout life, you find yourself in a season of wandering. A season where you don't have a clear path. You lack a clear purpose. You have great intentions of pursuing your goals - you're just not sure what they are anymore. But sometimes maybe it's not so much a season of wandering as it is a season of waiting.

Today I was reading Numbers 33  and while oftentimes I tend to skip over lists in the Bible (especially when so-and-so begat so-and-so begat so-and-so), but something I read recently made this passage stick out to me in a way I'd never noticed before. You see, we want to go from our season of "Egypt" to our season of "Promised Land" on a nonstop flight, no layovers. But just as the Israelites camped at Succoth and Etham and Pi Hahiroth and a whole list of other places I can't pronounce, if we lose faith, our journey to that season we're believing for may include layovers in Hopelessness, Doubt and Despair.

But here's the part that I keep thinking about and digging into further: the Israelites wandered because of their doubt and disobedience. They camped at 86.359 different places because they had to wait 40 years from their own disbelief. So I can't help but look at my own life and wonder - in what ways am I not trusting him fully? Have I just crossed the Red Sea and because I thought the journey into the Promised Land would be a walk in the park, I've started to complain or doubt his goodness? Is he providing manna in my life, but I'm grumbling because I had different expectations?

Patience is always meant to stretch you, but if you're not careful, a season of waiting can turn into a season of wandering. Learn from the Israelites mistakes and trust that God has a perfect plan. Just as God was there guiding the Israelites every single day, He's very much in the midst of your present season, whatever destination He's leading you to. Don't get stuck in your layover.

Risking It All

Gidget is 6 years old. In dog years, she's 37, which means my dog is actually a year older than I am this year. And we have an agreement that she's going to live to the ripe old age of 18. A 5 year bonus over most dogs in her breed, but I'm doing my best to hold up to my end of the bargain by taking good care of her and loving her excessively, which I'm pretty sure extends the life of any living thing. :)

Several years ago I was in the process of learning to embrace hope and expectation, two things that had always been really difficult for me. I'm a visual learner, so often God gives me a picture to help me to understand Him better, and in this particular instance, He used Gidget. He took me back to the moment I brought Gidget home...this 2lb little ball of fur...



Imagine looking at this sweet fuzzy creature and realizing in the very first moment you meet that you will outlive this dog. That means that in 18 years you are going to be heartbroken if you allow yourself to get too attached. And in this moment you have a choice: you can either hold yourself back or fall in love. If you hold yourself back, you just do the bare minimum. You feed the dog, you take it to the vet for check-ups, you maybe even take it on some walks, but you never really allow yourself to get attached. You don't snuggle, you don't toss the ball and play fetch, you don't interact in any way other than necessity. Eighteen years go by and finally the day comes where the dog passes away. Are you sad? Maybe a little bit, but you've probably saved yourself excess tears by not getting too attached.

But what have you really missed?

18 years of memories. 18 years of that dog greeting you at the front door every day like you've been gone for years. 18 years of keeping your lap warm. 18 years of making you laugh. 18 years of being unconditionally loved.

18 years of joy.

You see, we all have choices of how to guard ourselves and not get hurt. We've all been hurt before and know that when we take the next risk we could be hurt again - just like getting a new puppy after the last one passed away and knowing you will cry over it someday as well. But if we wrap our heart up and don't let it risk the good with the bad, we miss out on all the joy in the process. As C.S. Lewis says:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Take the risk. Hope again even if you've been disappointed before. Have God-expectations even if that seems scary. Trust that no matter what path he's taking you on, no matter how things unfold, there is joy in the process. Embrace today and don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow...and that's all that really matters.

Sleeping on a Jet Plane

Every time I travel I try new things to make the journey easier or more comfortable. I just returned home from Uganda last week and for the first time I feel like I can confidently say I've figured out the perfect carry-on items for a comfortable/restful flight.

1. Travel Rest Pillow
This is hands-down the best pillow I've ever used for travel. I've tried every variation of the donut pillow and it just doesn't seem to work for me. This pillow was a dream come true and worth every penny. It's compact and lightweight since it's inflatable and it works whether you're leaning up against the window or stuck in the middle seat.

2. Bucky Eye Mask
I'd previously been using the cheap or freebie eye masks that they provide on flights, but found it was uncomfortable to have the mask touching my eyes and having elastic twisted up and pulling my hair. This eye mask has an easy Velcro attachment as well as the perfect gap for you to be able to blink without breaking your eyelashes. It also blacks out every bit of light so you can sleep through any variance of light that is happening during the flight.

3. Sockwell Compression Socks
On my flight home from Thailand my legs and feet swelled so badly that it was hard to even bend my knees! So I remedied that problem by packing 2 pairs of these amazing (and cute!) socks and wearing BOTH at the same time (a trick I learned from a friend). It's not easy to get that second pair on, but I guarantee you won't come home with legs the size of a cabbage patch doll! I also pack a pair of fuzzy slippers (with grippers on the sole) to wear over top of them for walking around the plane.

4. Tylenol PM
This isn't anything new or brilliant, but it just works. It makes me drowsy enough to get some good, solid rest, but not so groggy that I have a hard time waking up or functioning upon arrival.

5. The Piano Guys
Ok, this could be whatever you prefer that is a good, constant instrumental (or even just a steady sound machine). I love various soundtracks, 2Cellos, and others, but on a previous flight they had The Piano Guys on the tv's music options and I found that it was the perfect music to both drown out any exterior noise and keep me sound asleep without interruption (no dramatic changes in music that startled me). Since then it's become my "go-to" travel music! Just make sure you pack some comfortable, sound-cancelling earbuds. I keep one in and leave the other out so I can comfortably lean my ear into the pillow.

That's it! Other than that I recommend drinking lots of water (you can pack an empty water bottle and the attendants are typically happy to fill the whole thing up so you're not working off of one tiny cup at a time), taking a loop around the plane after every movie (or every 2 hours) and wearing comfortable clothing. Happy travels!!

My Farewell Letter

This ranks up there with one of the hardest things I've ever posted for the world to see, but God has been doing a mighty work in my heart and I know that I am not alone in my struggle. So here it goes...

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I don’t like the way I look.

I’ve felt that way for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt if I could somehow achieve what I had ranked as “perfection” (perfect body, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect wardrobe) then maybe I’d look at myself in the mirror one day and approve. But honestly, it was beyond exhausting to even try. I went through phases of obsessively working out and counting every piece of food that went in my mouth. I've spent an embarrassing amount of money over the years on beauty products of various kinds and clothes that would hopefully make me look thinner than the girl I stared at in the mirror in disappointment.

And honestly, it all started with a boy. A boy I didn't even know.

I was in the 4th grade at summer camp. All the girls were finding "boyfriends" for the week, but being a girl with 3 brothers, I was a little slow to finding boys to be anything other than annoying and gross. I had yet to care what I looked like, feel the need to be anything but me, and want anything more than to spend summer camp doing all the outdoor activities and becoming friends with a bunch of girls. Regardless, unbeknownst to me, one of the girls from my cabin took it upon herself to find me a "boyfriend". She grabbed me as I was finishing dinner one night and with such enthusiasm said, "Come with me!" I had no clue what she was up to, and before I knew it, she was standing me in front of a boy and said, "This is Trish. She can be your girlfriend." Looking me square in the eyes with a look of disgust on his face, he said, "She's fat and ugly. I would never go out with a girl like her."

It was the first time I realized I wasn't beautiful.

Without even knowing it, that lie took root and grew a tree called "insecurity". As the years continued on, harsh words were spoken that watered that tree, and even though so many more kind words were spoken, it's as if the roots were incompatible and rather than it shrinking the lies, it just deflected the truth and kept growing. I couldn't accept kind words because I had owned the lies to be my truth, so in return, the truth felt like lies.

A little over a year ago I was finally able to clearly see what had been growing right in front of my eyes. Not only that, but God also showed me that nothing that I could control would change it. Nothing that anyone else could say would change it. Only God could take that tree, cut it down, pull out the roots, and plant something beautiful in its place. This weekend those new roots took hold as I threw out the rotting carcass of a tree and embraced new growth and beauty in its place. So now it's finally time to say...

Goodbye insecurity.

We've had a long run. Too long. I let you have too much control in my life and not enough spine to stand up to you, but it's time for that change. You see, I'm a Queen, Lover, Magi and Warrior full of Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength and in that woman, there is no longer room for you to live. You do not define me, you do not lead me, you do not have any say in who I am or what I do. You do not get to hold me back from the promises over my life. I refuse to settle to your definition of my worth. I was born into a kingdom, into a life that you don't belong. I was born for beauty, love, intelligence and tenacity. I was born for greatness. I was created for a specific purpose. I am a child of the King.

So this is my farewell to you. You have finally been replaced by someone you disdain. A woman full of confidence in not only who she is on the inside, but the beautiful masterpiece the King fashioned on the outside. For I am "clothed with strength and dignity, and I laugh without fear of the future," because I know the One that leads the way. (Prov. 31:25)

Goodbye insecurity, I hope to never see you again.

Yours truly,
A woman called Beautiful.

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Jesus, the Genie in a Bottle

I remember being in Sunday school around the time I was in kindergarten and hearing Matthew 7:7

"Ask and it will be given to you..." With wide eyed wonder I thought, "You've got to be kidding me! Jesus is like a genie with unlimited wishes!" That night while saying my prayers before bed, I silently prayed that the Singer Sewing Machine for kids from the JCPenney Christmas toy catalog would be waiting on the fireplace hearth the next morning when I woke up. And I fully believed I was going to be the proud owner of my own sewing machine the next morning. Not a doubt in my mind. If I was clear about anything at the age of 5, it was that this Jesus was legit. And he really loved kids.

The next morning I woke up with such anticipation!! I immediately ran up the stairs to see the beautiful new toy that awaited me... only to find an empty fireplace with no sewing machine in sight. I don't think I felt like I'd been deceived, I still believed Jesus was real, but it was the first moment in my life where doubt began to creep in. 

As life continued on, I grew up in church, private schools, a Christian university and constantly heard scripture like Matthew 7:7, Mark 11:24, Luke 11:9, John 16:24...and the list goes on and on. In fact, there are at least 67 scriptures that talk about asking God and God giving you what you ask. But it's almost as if over the years that tiny crack that allowed doubt in as a 5-year old has become a gaping hole filled with doubt. I would hear the words, "Ask and you shall receive" followed by a whisper "but brace yourself for God to say 'No'. Don't get your hopes up." So somewhere along the line, I just stopped asking. My prayer became something along the lines of, "God, you know what is best, so your will be done. Whatever you want, I'm good with that."

This past year and a half has been in many ways a "re-awakening" in my life. The best way to describe it is like opening the door to the fridge, seeing that it's full of food and yet not knowing what's really in the back corners. So rather than letting the stuff you can't see continue to take up space, you finally give in and take every single item out and sort through the good and the bad. Throw away the expired stuff, throw away the junk food that should be expired ;), and then immediately head to the grocery store to replenish your fridge with fresh, healthy ingredients. 

Some of the things that had been sitting in the back corner of my fridge for far too long were doubt, disappointment and complacency. And it was time to throw them out and replace them with hope, anticipation and expectation. And in doing that...it constantly brought me to a place of "impossible."

Before I lose you entirely, hear me out :). 

I've started to realize that if I really have hope, then that is ultimately built by faith. What is faith? Believing in what you cannot see. And if you ask me, really truly believing in what you cannot see...well, most often that feels...impossible. 

I was just talking with a friend recently about the way that people try to guard you from getting your hopes up with truly good intentions. They don't want to see you get hurt, they don't want you to experience disappointment, but I asked my friend, "do we really believe with each other that God can do the impossible in our lives, or are we always trying to make sure that we dream things that seem doable in our own strength?" I trust that even if God says no to my request, it's only because he has something better - so rather than talking me down from my dreams to protect me, why not dream with me? Not only that, let's go a step further! Why not be people that when you sit with a friend and they tell you that ridiculous, crazy, over-the-top, seemingly impossible dream, rather than talking them down to something more realistic, what if we challenged each other to dream even BIGGER?!

I just want to know this: Do we really believe in a God that when you ask (and ask specifically. And ask when it looks impossible. And then ask and ask again.) he will actually give you what you ask for? Do you challenge yourself - and those around you - to dream ginormous, God-sized dreams, no matter how crazy they might seem knowing that we serve a God that is infinitely greater than our minds can even comprehend...so chances are, your BIGGEST, most insane dream is actually smaller that what God has in store?

Call me crazy, but I'm going back to that 5-year old version of myself, and getting excited again. Because now I know, Jesus is actually even better than a Genie in a Bottle. He doesn't just grant wishes at my command, he knows my heart and when I ask, he gives me not only what I want, but what I need. And the irony of it is, what I need always ends up being what I want most. 

So let's all find that childlike faith again - and believe for the impossible.

There Is No Fear in Love

Read this devotional from Rick Warren and had to share:

By Rick Warren — May 21, 2014

“The Spirit that God has given you does not make you slaves and cause you to be afraid ...” -Romans 8:14-16 (TEV).

Fear will keep you from becoming all God intends for you to be; it will limit your potential, even ruin and devastate your life. God does not want you living a life filled with fears.

You might call it coincidence, but there are 365 “fear not” commands in the Bible. That’s one for every day of the year. I would say God hates fear.

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear …” (1 John 4:18 NIV). God is love, and the more you fill your life with God, the less fear you are going to have.

When you are afraid, there are two things you need to do to drive it away. First, remember you are in God’s family. Romans 8:14 says, “Those who are led by God’s Spirit are God’s children” (TEV).
If someone or something makes you afraid, you need to stop and remember that you’re a child of God. You’re not an orphan; you’re not alone. He is your Father, and God is greater and more powerful than anything.

Not only that, but you can cry out to Him anytime and he will hear you. “[B]y the Spirit’s power we cry out, ‘Father! My Father! …’” (Romans 8:14-16 TEV). He’ll send his Spirit to come and calm you down.

What do you fear the most right now? For most people, their greatest fear is not the fear of public speaking; it’s the fear of being out of control. And the truth is that most of your life is beyond your control. But it’s not out of God’s control. Your Father is in control. And you need to remember whose child you are and that you can call on him any time of the day.

Black Smoke

If you were a part of the cult following of the show LOST back in the day, you'll remember this mysterious yet creepy clicking sound that gave a forewarning of the black smoke that was about to appear. Honestly, I'm still not sure what that black smoke was, but it was definitely the enemy. Every time it appeared, everyone ran for cover for fear of their lives (except the one time that Mr. Eko stopped and faced the smoke and it killed him...but that's another story for another day :)).

This past week in Merge, Jordan talked about 1 John 4:18 and for whatever reason, as soon as the verse came up on the screen, all I could think was "black smoke". The verse says,

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. How much it controls us, paralyzes us, holds us back from walking in the fullness of who God has called us to be. Fear is definitely black smoke. Because as it says in 1 John 4:8, 

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 

God is love, which tells you that if there is no fear in love and God is love, then there is no fear in God. I don't know about you, but that realization alone changes everything! If there is no fear in God, then fear is black smoke! It's the enemy. It should not be entertained. It should not have any place in our lives. When fear starts to take root, recognize it as the clicking sound and run away from it because it is not welcome. Acknowledging that fear is absolutely the enemy at work allows you to see it for what it is - deception.

Have you ever thought about how much energy it takes to be afraid? I find it so ironic that we often struggle so much with faith - with the ability to believe in something we cannot see, but yet we seem to be willing to fall into fear easily. And do you know what fear is? Believing in something you cannot see. Crazy, right?! So rather than wasting your energy on fear, rather than wearing yourself out running from the black smoke, why not use that energy to walk in faith instead.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
-Hebrews 11:1 NIV 

I am absolutely petrified of public speaking. I was once at a business conference and all I had to was stand up and introduce my name and my position and I was so nervous at having to say that handful of words that I seriously flubbed my own name. 2 simple syllables and I messed them up! My heart races, I get the cold sweats and I shake like I've had too much sugar. Yet in what seems like some cruel, twisted joke, several people, separately, have spoken over me this year saying that's something God is calling me to. My initial response is something along the lines of "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!", but as I've started digging into it, I can see all of the lies that have become my truths that have been holding me back from walking into that calling, and at the root of it all: fear.  
 
In a message I listened to recently from Priscilla Shirer, she talks about a moment when she's faced with 2 different decisions - Plan A that she would rather do, and Plan B that she really doesn't want to consider. She says that if she digs down to the root of why she's avoiding Plan B and discovers the reason she doesn't want to do it is driven by fear, then that's the very thing she knows she should probably pursue. Sounds a bit backwards, right? Well how about this. If there is no fear in God, God is only love, then wouldn't it stand to reason that the enemy wants her to be afraid of Plan B because there is something significant enough about Plan B that he doesn't want to happen?

So stop letting fear win. The black smoke that keeps clouding up your vision has no power over you unless you allow it, so when it comes, tell it who's boss and choose faith instead. And be reminded of what God says in 2 Timothy 1:7,

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Sun Stand Still

I used to be an avid reader. That is, until I went to college and was required to read insanely large and mostly boring textbooks. After 4 years of required reading, I decided I was ready for a well-deserved break, the only problem is that break lasted for a solid 12 years! :) Last year that all changed and I started making up for lost time…and catching up on an incredibly long list of books that I missed throughout the years. One of those books was Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick. It’s based on the moment in Joshua 10 when Joshua asks the Lord for the sun to stand still so that they could defeat their enemies.

At that time Joshua spoke to the Lord in the day when the Lord gave the Amorites over to the sons of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel,

“Sun, stand still at Gibeon,
   and moon, in the Valley of Aijalon.”
And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped,
   until the nation took vengeance on their enemies.

Is this not written in the Book of Jashar? The sun stopped in the midst of heaven and did not hurry to set for about a whole day. There has been no day like it before or since, when the Lord heeded the voice of a man, for the Lord fought for Israel.

-Joshua 10:12-14 ESV

In Sun Stand Still, Furtick addresses just how big God is and how small we’ve made him out to be…

"If you’re not daring to believe God for the impossible, you’re sleeping through some of the best parts of your Christian life. And further still: if the size of your vision for your life isn’t intimidating to you, there’s a good chance it’s insulting to God."

"If we have the audacity to ask, God has the ability to perform."

I’ve spent the majority of my life praying something along the lines of this: “God, you created me, you know me better than I know myself, so I trust whatever plans you have for my life and I’ll be grateful for them.” I mean, that doesn’t sound like a terrible prayer, right? I’ve come to realize it’s pretty pathetic. The best way to describe it is to imagine a child being asked by their parents what they want for Christmas. Can you imagine that child, every year, all of their life saying, “You gave birth to me so I trust that you know what I want and I’ll be happy with whatever you give me.” Honestly, I think that would be exasperating. As a parent, you want to give your child a gift that causes a reaction of such intense joy and enthusiasm! Yes, you wouldn’t give your child a gift that wasn’t good for them or that could cause them harm, but you take great delight in giving your child something that they’ve dreamed of!

As another one of my favorite author’s, Mark Batterson, says, “God doesn’t answer 100% of the prayers you don’t pray.” In so many ways my life had become a hamster wheel of repetition. Not terrible, but not great, but in all honesty, it’s no wonder! I wasn’t asking, so I wasn’t receiving. I wasn’t believing for anything beyond what was presently in front of me.

I think at some point we all stop dreaming impossible dreams. Or for some of us, maybe we never started. And I would put my money on the fact that at the root of it all is one nasty 4-letter word: FEAR. We’re afraid of disappointment. We’re afraid of wanting something and not getting it. We’re afraid we’re going to ask for the Star Wars Death Star for Christmas and get a generic spaceship instead.

And truth is, there may have been those experiences in your past. You grew up in a childhood full of disappointments. You dreamed of a certain job, only to get the call that they had chosen someone else. You desperately wanted a child and after numerous doctor’s appointments and treatments, still left with empty arms. I wish I could offer confidence that every dream you have you will get, but it’s not quite that simple. I believe every desire you have will be fulfilled, but I also believe it may not look the way you imagined (that’s for another post altogether :)). There may be a multitude of disappointment and heartache along the way, but as cruel as this may sound in the moment of the pain, I believe one of the ways God loves us most is through disappointment. I absolutely believe it breaks his heart when our heart breaks, but He loves us enough to allow us to go through the pain because he knows where it will lead us if we’ll let Him use it.

"God has to work in us before he can work through us."

"God gives people the exact experiences he wants them to have in order to shape the specific destiny he’s designed for them."

"When God removes something from our lives, it’s not because he’s trying to take away something good. It’s because he’s trying to make room for something better." (so true!!)

So I just share all of this to say… Ask. Dream. Believe.

Don’t let fear win, hold onto audacious faith instead! Believe in a God who does impossible things - not just then. Not just for Joshua…but for YOU.

"Dream God-worthy dreams. Pray faith-fueled prayers. Live a life that can be explained only by the existence of a God who is infinitely great."

Embracing the Journey

Several years ago I watched an interview on Oprah with Marie Osmond. The hot topic item of the interview involved Marie's recent divorce to a man that she spoke of as verbally abusive to her throughout their many years of marriage. When asked why she married such a man she said, "I married at the level of my self-worth. So ladies, have self-worth."

Those two sentences have stuck with me for a long time and I've observed so many girls following suit. I don't think it pertains to only abusive situations, I actually think it covers a wide-range of brokenness in our generation and the need to find something - or someONE - to fix the cracks and fill the longing.

As I mentioned in my last post, I attended a church retreat last weekend and we spent one evening touching on the topic of relationships. The conversation started with the question of "True or False. It's not about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person." The room answered with a pretty unanimous "True" and the leaders of our event said, "Actually, we would say false." They did admit it's actually somewhat of a trick question, but the truth being there is no moment where you've arrived. Saying that it's about becoming the right person leads to this impression that if at some point you get it all together, then you can have the desires of your heart. The more accurate or healthy picture would be walking on a path towards God and pursuing him - not to "become" or "arrive" but to continue on that path from here to eternity and trust that as you both follow that path as individuals, your paths become parallel.

The thing that strikes me most about relationships, and in all honesty, life in general, is that part of the seeking comes from a place of longing and a need for fulfillment. I think back to being a kid in college and having big dreams for a career. I remember sitting down and writing out 5 and 10-year goals for my life, hopes of recognition, climbing the ladder, becoming the best at what I was setting out to do. I think if I could have recognized and pin-pointed it at the time, I would have acknowledged that I hoped the investment I was making in my education would lead to a fulfilling career. Truth is, I was successful. I climbed to higher titles. None of it felt fulfilling in the least. In fact, the more I achieved, the less fulfillment I found.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” –C.S. Lewis

I believe that just as much as those desires pertains to a fulfilling career, material possessions and earthly achievements, it pertains to relationships. I think a lot of people get married with the hopes that the "longings of their heart" will be fulfilled and then quickly realized they married a beautiful yet flawed human being, as we all are, and even in the gift that marriage is, it's not fulfilling. The truth is, it was never meant to be. No human was meant to fix the cracks, fill the void or heal the wounds that only He can heal.

In Donald Miller's newest book, Scary Close, he says:

"I don't know if there's a healthier way for two people to stay in love than to stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely as they experience them."

You see, the longing in our hearts wasn't meant for this world, it was meant to draw our hearts toward heaven, but the most beautiful thing is that God, in his extravagant love, doesn't ask you to walk the journey alone. And that's exactly what it is...a journey. No moment of "becoming", but rather a collection of tiny moments of learning, growing, shaping, molding, crying, rejoicing, loving, hoping, following and trusting in the hand that is always holding, guiding and leading you. The hand of your heavenly Father, and maybe someday, the hand of the man or woman that God gifts you to walk with through the journey as well. And even in your season of singleness, the community that he's placed around you. Life wasn't meant to be walked alone.

So ladies, if I could add to Marie Osmond's plea, I would say this: You won't find that self-worth in this world. You won't find self-worth from a magazine, perfect skin, a better body, your dream job or the affirmation of man - even an amazing, Godly man. Yes, hurting people hurt people. If you pair a healthy person and a hurting person you will still have a hurtful relationship. All of that is true. But even if you follow Marie Osmond's advice to pursue a healthy self-image, don't forget this vital key: your true worth can only be found in Him.

"Don’t focus on decorating your exterior by doing your hair or putting on fancy jewelry or wearing fashionable clothes; let your adornment be what’s inside—the real you, the lasting beauty of a gracious and quiet spirit, in which God delights." –1 Peter 3:3-4 VOICE

Keep your eyes on Him. "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth" and let your self-worth, self-confidence, longings and fulfillment be found in the only One that can truly satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. 

Extravagance

God has taught me a lot of things over this past year and awakened my heart in so many ways to understanding just a tiny glimpse of his love for me, the beauty of who He is and through all of that, the word the comes to mind every time I want to describe him is extravagant.

Webster's dictionary defines extravagance as exceeding the limits of reason or necessity and extremely or excessively elaborate.

While that defines something over-the-top, it still seems so small in trying to truly describe who God really is. By the very simple act of creation He is the ultimate artist. He could have just made day end and night begin with no crescendo at all, like a simple light switch, but when you witness a sunset that seems to capture the whole sky in various shades of bold hues, you witness his extravagance. He created the seasons, which in and of itself is magnificent, but snow could simply be tiny white clusters with no shape or form, yet he made each flake its own unique masterpiece unlike any other. It just begs the question, if God was so extravagant in the details of creation, mankind in particular, then why do we constantly overlook his extravagance in every moment of our lives?

This past Friday I went on a retreat with 50+ other people my age without knowing a single person. It was intimidating, made me feel 12 all over again and the inevitable awkwardness wasn't something I was particularly excited about. I also knew it was a door God had opened and I needed to step through. The one thing I've been asking Him repeatedly over the last few months since I moved is for just one good friend. I left an incredible community in Nashville and starting over has been a lonely and overwhelming process, but I knew that it required movement on my part. I prefer baby steps, but in his extravagant fashion, God usually asks for leaps ;).

In one conversation over the weekend, a girl said, "that was really brave of you to come without knowing anyone." And I thought to myself, "I don't feel brave." The more I thought about that I realized that chances are if you feel brave you're probably doing something stupid, and if you're being brave, you probably feel terrified. As Nelson Mandela says, 

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." 

So, I fought the fear, the awkwardness, the insecurity and uncertainty. And I once again witnessed God's extravagance. Extravagance through meeting people and within 5 minutes having God-stirring conversations. Extravagance in a near perfect day on the ski slopes filled with laughter, great conversations, majestic views and ending with an incredible time of prayer together as we drove back to the lodge. Extravagance in times of powerful worship. Extravagance in the teaching that was shared and the vulnerability of a group of strangers. Extravagance in spending a quick weekend with a group of people I'd never met before and walking away knowing I had not only made one friend, I'd made many. I'd found community, left behind insecurity and took home hope.

"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." Ephesians 5:2 MSG

My prayer is that my eyes only grow wider in witnessing his extravagant love, grace and faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those around me so that I don't miss a moment, and that I learn from his example and live a life that loves others extravagantly in return.

Love Notes on the Mirror

Last night I had dinner with a girl that I've only hung out with once. Well, twice if you count the time that I was in a pinch and asked if she could pick me up from the airport, which led to her having to wait 3+ hours in cell phone parking when I realized I left my wallet on the airplane. How's that for a start to a great friendship? :) Last night we sat and talked until they started sweeping up the restaurant and as I drove home I couldn't help but thank the Lord for the gift of new friendships, conversations that flow easily, things that you take for granted until you're in a completely new place.

As I was getting ready for bed last night, a friend from college that lives in Colorado Springs texted me and said, "Hey, I know this is a long shot, but would you want to come down Friday night and have a free girl's night in a cabin?" Of course I didn't even hesitate with my yes! And as I crawled into bed I couldn't help but thank the Lord for Friday nights that are wide open and for the gift of lifelong friends that still pursue you.

Today I had 3 long phone calls back-to-back with people that I love, baked a loaf of almond poppyseed bread while listening to iWorship's top 20 songs of 2014, did my 4th quarter estimated taxes (which I actually enjoy doing - other than the "giving them my money" part :)), worked, read and stretched...a lot...because every muscle hurts from my last OTF class, which is awesome!

And I couldn't help but thank the Lord....for all of the small things that happen every day. And sometimes they might be so small that if you don't pay close attention - they'll slip right on by without you noticing. God is good in the big stuff and we often give most credit and awe to that, but there is such sweetness in every moment that I don't want to miss...

It's like He's leaving love notes for me every day as a reminder of His affection for me and I don't want to miss a single one.

"Do not disdain the small - because it's the ordinary that adds up to the great." 
-Ann Voskamp, Zechariah 4:10a NCV

Hold onto Hope

To all of my friends who are waiting. To all of those with dreams that have gone unfulfilled. To all of those praying for a miracle. It's time to take hold of Hope.

-------------------------

This is one of those post I've probably sat down to write at least a dozen times over the years, but I'll be honest, I wasn't brave enough. I wasn't brave enough to actually say (write) it out loud because I've always felt so much pressure to push past how I really feel and fight for what I felt like I should feel. There is always some truth to that, but there's something about being honest and vulnerable that I think holds a lot more weight and relate-able value. So here goes...

In less than one month I'll be 35. The number doesn't intimidate me. Aging in and of itself doesn't bother me. But what makes that number difficult for me is that it's one more year of my life that I've been single. 35 years of never dating anyone. 35 years of not being pursued. 35 years of being a "great friend" to many great guys, but 35 years of questioning what is wrong with me that no one ever wanted more than that. 35 years of fighting the lies of "you are not attractive", "you're too much", "you're not enough" and the list goes on and on.

Yes, I'm turning 35 and I've never been in a relationship BUT...

I've taught Sunday school, led youth, led young adults, gone on missions trips, volunteered with some amazing organizations, toured with a recording artist, traveled the world, skied, snowmobiled, backpacked, camped, hiked, snowshoed, zip lined, para sailed, bought 2 houses, remodeled one, built the other, sold them both, worked for companies, became self-employed, threw parties and most recently sold most everything I owned and moved halfway across the country to a place I've always dreamed of living. And that barely makes a dent.

I have lived 35 beautiful years that I am absolutely grateful for. God has taught me so much. He has been gracious to provide amazing women along the way that have become lifelong friends. Friends who challenge me, sharpen me and bring incredible joy to my life. Had I been dating people at any point in time, I could have easily missed out on a number of those relationships. I wouldn't trade any one of them for a guy.

But I desire to be married. I would love to have children. I've just felt for years like I'm not allowed to be unhappy with not having either one.

So I told myself to just be content. Don't want anything beyond what is presently in front of you. Keep your dreams within reach. Only do what you can do with what you've got and don't worry about the rest - or in other words...if you can't do anything about it, stop dreaming about it.

So for years, I shut myself off emotionally. I told myself that I just wasn't allowed to dream about marriage and a family because I'm not guaranteed that, and if I hope for it I'll only make myself miserable. Better to be content and satisfied with life than to be disappointed, but as C.S. Lewis so beautifully said:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Over the years my heart had been wrapped in bubble wrap and carefully locked up. It was safe, it was unbreakable...but it was suffocating. You see, last year God took my very numb and motionless heart, rubbed together the defibrillator paddles and shocked it back to life. He re-awakened places in my life that I didn't even know existed anymore. He reminded me that it's ok to be content as long as you're still contending. He asked me to hope again.

Hope.

Honestly, hope had long ago become a 4-letter word to me if you know what I mean. Hope always meant disappointment, and who wants that? But hope will always mean disappointment if you put it in the wrong thing.

He said "Trish...

Hope. In. Me."

So I sat in the boat with my life vest on, looking at the raging river in front of me. Over and over again I wanted to just turn around and paddle back to shore - to the calm and comfortable beach. The place where I knew exactly what to expect and didn't feel anything. But when God reawakened my heart, there was no going back. It was time to take off the life vest and jump in. It was time to get out of the boat and trust that God would guide me. It was time to ask specifically, dream big and start hoping again. Not to hope for the dream, but in the Giver of the dream. Not to hope for a future, but in the One who planned my future. Not to hope for a different story, but in the Author of the most beautifully penned stories of all time.

I don't look back with regret, rather I am grateful for the gift of time he's given me. Time to serve, time to grow, time to learn so much that I hope will help me be a better woman...and if God allows, a better wife and mother someday. But my heart is no longer carefully locked away. It's unwrapped, it's open, it's available. And for the first time in my life, I've started dreaming again. I've started asking God specifically for things. Things that seem ridiculous, crazy and impossible, but He's stirred my heart to dream big dreams!

And while I don't want anything or anyone more than Him, I look forward with expectancy and anticipation for all that is yet to come - because I know no matter how it unfolds, it's all a gift from a loving, extravagant, perfect Father who always knows what is best for me and has never offered me any less. He has always been faithful. He will never stop being faithful.

For those of you that are in that same season - whether it is waiting for a baby, spouse, job, healing or whatever miracle that may seem impossible...put all your hope in Him. It's a gamble you can make that guarantees a win. Your bets will come back multiplied. It's absolutely impossible to lose. You serve a God who can do "far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!" (Ephesians 3:20a MSG)

You've not been set aside...you've been set apart!

So as you step forward into the new year, reawaken your heart and take hold of Hope. The Hope that came to this world as a baby. The Hope that offered his own life to save yours. The Hope that even in life's darkest moments, will be your brightest light.

Hold onto Hope.

A Pile of My Thoughts

Write a good story for your life. Make choices every day - both big and small - that change the outcome of your story that makes it one worth repeating. Your story wasn't just given to you for your own keeping, it was meant to be shared and to ultimately point others back to the God that is the greatest author of all time.

Dream big dreams. Like giant, impossible, you-feel-crazy-even-thinking-it kind of dreams. And then surrender them. Ask with palms open. Remember to focus on the One who gave you the dream more than the dream itself. He will always give you what you need, and you'll be surprised how often what you need becomes what you actually want.

Live foolishly. Not for yourself, but for Him. Dive into the rapids and surrender to the adventure that he's taking you on - no matter how crazy, uncertain, uncomfortable, impossible and ridiculous it may seem. Chances are if you're not in a place where you feel crazy or uncomfortable, you're probably not living dangerously for God. Chase lions.

Love recklessly. Love even if it's not returned. Love those that are hardest to love. Love because He loved you first. Love for the sake of giving it away and without expectation of getting it back. Love without condition. Love deeply. You'll never look back over your life and wish you'd loved less.

Pray continually. Pray specifically. Pray for others. It's not always "Dear Jesus" and "Amen" - prayer happens in conversation, in worship, in wordless sighs and in silent thoughts. Reject the lies, dismiss the fears, let go of the anxiety. Live in constant gratitude.

Be brave. The irony of bravery is that you rarely feel brave. Bravery is being terrified, but moving forward anyway. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. "So what should we say about all of this? If God is on our side, then tell me: whom should we fear?" Romans 8:31 VOICE

40 Miles

This summer my family spent a week enjoying the beauty of Yellowstone National Park. One particular day we were driving into the park and passed by the sign above. As we did, my parents started talking about the story of Chief Joseph, which I'm sure made my ears start to fill with white noise as I'm typically not much of a history buff. This story, however, captured my attention in a whole different light.

Basically the story of Chief Joseph and the Nez Perce Indians in a nutshell goes like this: In a land treaty broken by the US Government, the Nez Perce Indians were forced out of their homeland in the Wallowa Valley and forced to relocate to Idaho. In the midst of the journey, 3 young warriors who were enraged by the loss of their homeland, massacred a band of white settlers. Chief Joseph hearing of this and fearing retaliation, began fleeing north to Canada for safety with another Nez Perce tribe across the border.

For three months they traveled more than 1,000 miles on foot in challenging conditions, battling more than 2,000 US Soldiers along the way. Finally, defeat was upon them. They were exhausted and Chief Joseph declared he would fight no more, forever. Little did they know that day, at that moment, in that place...they were only 40 miles from the Canadian border.

In our own lives there are seasons that are more challenging than others. There are times when you may feel like you're facing one battle after the next after the next. Or maybe you're just in a season of feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're in a place where you are down to your last drop of hope. Maybe the idea of giving up rather than fighting through seems like the only logical choice.

In those times, lean in to Him.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

His timing is perfect and never comes a moment too soon or a second too late. Keep pressing forward, keep trusting His plan. Don't lose hope.

Because you just never know when you might be 40 miles from Canada.

Risk

I've been having this conversation both internally and with other people lately and it's a question I haven't fully gathered into an answer, but one that has rocked my world nonetheless.

In the Christian walk, are there really any risks? I mean, if you are truly seeking the Lord, then isn't every "risk" really just a leap of faith?

I think about when the priest were carrying the ark of the covenant and had to cross the Jordan river. In Joshua 3:15 it says:

"During harvest time the Jordan is swollen, running over its banks; but when the priests stepped into the river’s edge, the waters stopped, piling upstream at the city of Adam, near Zarethan, while the water flowing downstream toward the sea of the Arabah, the Dead Sea, ran out. Then the Israelites crossed the Jordan opposite the city of Jericho, walking on dry land just as Moses had led their ancestors from Egypt. While the Israelites crossed on the dry riverbed, the priests who carried the covenant chest stood firmly in the middle of the Jordan until the last Israelite had crossed over."

Again I can't help but wonder what they thought when they came up to the water's edge as in my mind I picture the Jordan river brimming with whitewater rapids! Here they are carrying something so sacred and knowing that this is the way they are to go, but you gotta wonder if they stood there thinking, "Well, this is risky - we could certainly drown."

But they took that first step. They didn't stand at the edge, waiting for the Lord to part the water.  

He waited on them to move.

When they put forth that first step of faith into the river, the waters parted and they crossed on dry land. What may have appeared to be a risk, was really no risk at all because God had a plan and as they were faithful to follow where he was leading them, he was faithful to prepare the way.

So it just comes back to this question. What areas in your life is the Lord asking you to take a step of faith but in your humanness it feels risky? I wonder how many of us are standing on the edge of the water, looking at the rapids in front of us paralyzed with fear? How would it change your next step if you knew that God has prepared the way and that no matter what decision you make, as long as you are seeking him, you're exactly where he wants you?

Maybe he's just waiting on you to take that first step.

Stretch-venture

"One day, the Eternal One called out to Abram.

Eternal One: Abram, get up and go! Leave your country. Leave your relatives and your father’s home, and travel to the land I will show you. Don’t worry—I will guide you there.  I have plans to make a great people from your descendants. And I am going to put a special blessing on you and cause your reputation to grow so that you will become a blessing and example to others.  I will also bless those who bless you and further you in your journey, and I’ll trip up those who try to trip you along the way. Through your descendants, all of the families of the earth will find their blessing in you." -Genesis 12:1-3 VOICE

Leaving everything familiar is hard. Really hard.

At first it might seem like an adventure - heading out into the unknown, not having any idea of what awaits you around the next bend...and that's all very true, but oftentimes adventure is really just code for serious stretching.

I have so many moments in this new life that if I'm really honest, are really lonely. God has been incredibly gracious to connect me with a lot of people, to give me a greater purpose than myself, to stir my heart for others, but in the moments where it's just me...it's hard. I left a place where I had incredible friendships, amazing mentors, a great church, a beautiful home and no need for GPS to constantly figure out where I was :). I know without a doubt that this is where God has called me, but I'd be lying if I sat here and said that there weren't moments I'd like to just go back.

But then I think about Abraham and God calling him to leave his country at the age of 75! Can you imagine the life that he had built and all that he was giving up? Can you imagine the uncertainty of leaving everything that was familiar - maybe the only life he'd ever known for 75 years - and going to a new land to begin again? I'm sure if I could have a peek into his journals that it wasn't all easy, confidence, joy, and certainty. I have a feeling that Abraham and I could sit down over coffee today and that he would share his story and remind me that there are moments that are really difficult, but when God calls you to something, every hardship is worth walking through for the greater purpose and promise He has in store.

"Without any hesitation, Abram went." -Genesis 12:4

I think I've often read that verse and thought "no hesitation = easy", but I'm realizing that you can be fully confident in the Lord, walk forward without hesitation, and still feel the weight of what you just walked through. I didn't hesitate to say goodbye to the life I once knew when God called me here, but that doesn't change the sadness I feel when I miss deep friendships that have taken years to build. But even in those moments, I trust that God has gone before me, he's prepared this new life ahead of me and that he knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and that this new life will continue to unfold one step at a time as he takes me from comfortable into uncomfortable to stretch, challenge and strengthen me - and continue to show me just how extravagantly he loves me.

"For some of us, we'll forfeit the great promises of God because we are too busy being comfortable."

So today, yeah...it might be hard. It might be really lonely and it might be really unclear what lies ahead, but I'd rather be uncomfortable and know confidently I'm right where God wants me. I'd rather be unclear and place all my confidence in Him. I'd rather feel the hurt but rest in the peace that "the deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning." -Psalm 30:5 VOICE

I'd rather be stretched than be comfortable.

Unexpected.

Life is full of unexpected moments.

Like realizing that a year ago I was living in Franklin, TN just going about my day-to-day with no clue that in just 9 months I would be selling my home and pretty much everything I own and moving to Colorado.

Like 4 years ago when I knew I was going to be laid off in a little over a month, had no prospects job-wise but on the day I lost one job, I also started another...and 4 years later it's still the best job I've ever had.

Like 15 years ago when I sat in my illustration professor's office and told him through tears that I just wasn't good enough to be an art major and wouldn't be coming back the next semester and he looked me in the eyes and said, "You've got something special. Please don't give up." A conversation that changed the course of my life and career.

Like today, when I sat with a group of young women and shared life's struggles. I shared some of the things God continues to lay on my heart. I realized He laid them on mine so I could share it with them. The night ended with hugs, coffees scheduled, and a continually deepening passion to pour into the lives of younger women. I drove home tonight realizing that even if I don't know what my life looks like tomorrow, next week or a month from now, I know one thing with confidence: this is where I'm supposed to be today.

Here. In Colorado. At Flatirons. Loving God and loving people.

You see, life is full of unexpected moments to us, but nothing is unexpected to Him. Every day, every moment, every second is significant to the One who created you. Pay attention. Ask. Be available. Listen.

Because God knows how today affects tomorrow, next month, next year and 15 years from now. Today is significant. Don't waste it.

Expect the unexpected.

Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat

Where to begin. I'm in one of those moments where my mind has more thoughts than my mouth could express or my fingers type into words. The past few weeks I've felt like a sponge that had been lost under the sink, dry and crusty and in desperate need of water - and last night and today I was poured into and drenched where my spirit is now full and heavy and completely overwhelmed in the best way possible.

Although that's completely an accurate representation, it also feels odd to say that considering how the past 4 months have unfolded and the ways that I've witnessed God tangibly moving in my life. But the reality is that as absolutely incredible as that has been, it's also been difficult. Transition is hard. New seasons are exciting and equally terrifying, unfamiliar and confusing. I absolutely love where God has brought me and at the same time I have no idea what I'm doing there. I know I'm exactly where he wants me, I'm just not sure what it's supposed to look like in the details.

Tonight Judah Smith spoke and seriously, if you ever have the opportunity to hear him, GO. He's absolutely hilarious and yet full of incredible depth and wisdom. At the beginning of his message I was laughing so hard I was almost crying, and by the end I was actually moved to tears. His message was titled "A Soul That Will Not Sink" based solely off of Psalm 130:

Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life!
    Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
    Listen to my cries for mercy.

If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
    who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
    and that’s why you’re worshiped.

I pray to God—my life a prayer—
    and wait for what he’ll say and do.
My life’s on the line before God, my Lord,
    waiting and watching till morning,
    waiting and watching till morning.

O Israel, wait and watch for God—
    with God’s arrival comes love,
    with God’s arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it—he’ll redeem Israel,
    buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

 This is a passage that could easily be read and overlooked, but he peeled it apart layer by layer in such a beautiful way. It's eight verses that go from a state of desperation to rejoicing. It's a picture of the life that each of us lead in 4 basic steps:

1. This is where I am.

2. This is who You are.

3. This won't last.

4. I'm not the only one.

Or as I translated it in my own life: Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat.

I feel like our lives are like the perfect pair of jeans. You find something that fits just right - hugs you in all the right places and forgives others. You wear those jeans and absolutely love them, but inevitably at some point you have a moment of clumsiness and spill something on them. You throw them in the wash, go through all of the cycles and although sometimes they need a good day or two of "stretching", they're back to being those same jeans that fit just right. But the reality is, they will get dirty again, they will need washing again, they will need to stretch a little...the cycle will need to be repeated many many times throughout the life of those jeans. 

That is how I relate to Judah's message tonight. Life will always be full of amazing seasons, but there will always be something - a worry, an uncertainty, a crisis - so many moments where the enemy will try to defeat you and tear you down. And instead of declaring defeat and giving up, you'll say Lord, here's how I feel...here's where I'm at, but I know that you are a God who is forgiving, a God who never stops working on me, a God who is constantly watching over me and leading and guiding every step of my life. I know this season is challenging, but it won't last forever because you have spoken promises over my life, you have incredible things in store that I cannot even begin to imagine. Thank you that I'm not the only one. Help me to help those who are also hurting or struggling. Let my story be an encouragement to those around me.

And just like that perfect pair of jeans, you'll go through the wash cycle, be stretched and be back to a season of rejoicing.  So no matter where you're at in the journey, just remember God is greater than anything you're facing, no matter how long the process might seem - it won't last forever, and you're not alone. 

Wash, Rinse, Stretch, Repeat.

Week One

Where do I even begin!

A week ago Friday I officially moved to Colorado. Let me just say that again...I LIVE IN COLORADO!!! :) I wake up every morning and when I get in the car to go anywhere, I have this incredible view of the mountains that makes me want to have a dance party! I hope it never gets old. I hope that 10 years from now they still take my breath away. More than that, I hope that I'm still telling the story of how God brought me here and of all that unfolded once I got here. Exciting to think I'm in the midst of that story and I don't even know what is yet to come!

My friend Stephanie was kind enough to drive cross-country with me and help me settle in and unpack. She flew out early Saturday morning, so I dropped her off at the airport and then immediately headed west. I had signed up to get involved with YoungLife and found out earlier that week that they were having a leadership retreat out at Crooked Creek Ranch, so I signed up to go even though I wouldn't know anyone. What better way to just dive in and build community! The drive to the ranch was spectacular - SO incredibly gorgeous! When I arrived I didn't know where to go or what to do since my only point of contact was the Broomfield area leader named Zach, but we hadn't even met yet so I wasn't sure what he looked like. I found two girls walking toward the main lodge and asked if they knew Zach, and while they didn't, they were able to help me find him. The group had just finished eating breakfast so I dropped my things off at the room and then immediately headed to a main gathering time. From there we had an opportunity to just go spend some time with the Lord and then meet up with our local area groups. Zach introduced me to the team and shared a little bit of my story and I gotta say, I've never met a more inviting or welcoming group of people! It was completely overwhelming in the best way possible! It was a whirlwind of a weekend, but an absolute gift from the Lord. My greatest fear in moving was that I would be lonely, and satan never even stood a chance! I went from not knowing anyone to an incredible group of friends/community in the first 24 hours. And that's just the beginning!

At dinner Saturday night I struck up a conversation with a girl named Haylee and mentioned that I was a little nervous about my housing. I knew it was potentially temporary (the house is on the market) and multiple people had mentioned how hard housing is to come by in the Broomfield area. She said, "Oh girl! This is perfect! 3 of us are actually looking for a place to live and would love to have a 4th roommate!" I said, "Well I know it's temporary, but you're all welcome to move in with me if you want!" She asked where I lived and her eyes lit up. She told the other two girls and they had the same reaction. Little did I know that where I'm living was exactly where they had been praying to move. In fact, they had an opportunity to move into another house and were needing to make a decision on the lease by that coming Wednesday. Just earlier that week, one of the girls (Cassidy) had said, "I'm praying that God opens up another door before Wednesday." Little did she know... :)

Monday I met with Zach for coffee and just got more excited to get involved with YoungLife. That night a friend that I haven't seen in 3 years happened to be in town so we grabbed a spontaneous dinner and just enjoyed hours of great conversation. It was such a treat and perfect timing to have a familiar friendly face.  The next morning the girls came over to check out the house and made the decision to move in. After they left I took off for the Apple store to get my iphone battery checked out. The Genius tech plugs my phone in to check the battery and says, "So I see you have Bible Gateway on here. What do you use that for?" I immediately assumed he must be a Christian, so I talked about how I read various devotionals on my kindle and use Bible Gateway to look up the scripture references in various translations. I mentioned that I just moved to the area and asked where he went to church. He said he didn't. I asked how long he'd lived here thinking maybe that's why he hadn't found a church yet. He said his whole life. I invited him to a church that I hadn't even started attending yet, but I think the Lord kinda tricked me into it. :) I say that because I realized when I left the Apple store that I don't actually have Bible Gateway on my phone. I have it on my ipad (which is why it didn't throw me off initially), but not on my phone. Not sure what he saw instead, but I just know God was all over that!

Wednesday I threw stuff in the crockpot to make chicken taco soup and then decided it would be a great meal to share, so I invited the girls that were moving in to come over for dinner. It was a gorgeous day, so I set the patio table outside and just had a great time getting to know the girls a bit more. After that was my first YoungLife Club experience. Zach invited me to come and just sit back and observe - soak it all in. I loved it! I laughed so hard, loved watching the kids interact with each other and just got excited to be a part of this incredible organization. There was another girl named Abbie that was there observing as well. Zach introduced us and mentioned that she attends Flatirons. We started talking and I found out that she's a senior at CU, so I asked if she was involved with Flatirons young adult group. She said she wasn't, so I invited her to go with me the next night as I was going to "shadow" it before my volunteer interview. Love how God orchestrated the timing of that!

Thursday I checked out a new coffee shop called Proper Grounds across the street from the church. When I arrived there was only one 4-person table available. I hated to take it, but it was the only option. I setup to start working and about 30 minutes later a group of women - I'm going to guess mid-50's - came in to order and asked if they could sit at my table for a moment while their friend used the restroom. I said absolutely and struck up a conversation. They kept trying to give me their food which was in itself pretty funny! After repeatedly declining their offers, one lady just broke her muffin in half and gave it to me, ha! Not gonna lie, it was molasses and it was delicious. Anyway, somewhere in the conversation I mention that I just moved to the area and one lady proceeds to pull out a pamphlet to hand to me, mentioning that they're Jehovah's Witnesses. I said thank you for the offer but proceeded to share a little bit of my story and told them that I attend Flatirons across the street. We talked a bit more before they took off, but I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that the only table available was meant to be a larger table for that whole interaction to take place. Love how God works!

Thursday night I went to the launch of the new Merge (young adult group) at Flatirons. I met Abbie there and her friend Kristin. We had a large gathering first and then split into age groups (18-20, 21-23, 24+). I actually went to the 21-23 group to stick with Abbie and Kristin and although I felt just slightly out of place in regards to age (not maturity :)), I enjoyed getting to know the people that were in my small group. Really looking forward to getting involved even more.

Saturday I met up with my friend that was in from out of town for an early morning hike. So much fun! The weather was just incredible, the scenery was gorgeous, the trails were even a bit muddy which was fun, and all of that combined with the company and conversation just made for a great morning. From there I went home and hung up my hammock in the backyard for a little quiet time/nap before heading to Louisville (adorable small town) to meet Abbie for coffee. After we said goodbye I went over to Cassidy's house for a cookout and just sat outside talking and getting to know people until late into the night.

But the best part of this past week was actually a small moment today that was what I would call a "full circle" moment. Bob (my landlord) came over to check on a few things and we got into a great conversation. He and his wife are Christians and attend a church in Boulder. He mentioned that when they got the email from me last month saying that God was calling me to Broomfield, they both thought it was a little odd because they're not "those kind of people", but they also believe that God does speak to people, so they weren't going to argue with it. Also, he admitted they were nervous because I wasn't going to be making much of a dent in their mortgage. He said God had been really teaching them to let go and trust in his timing. I shared the more detailed story of how God had called me to Broomfield and he said, "Wow. That gives me goosebumps!" and I said that although they're selling the house, we're all praying that somehow God will provide a way for us to stay. Maybe the new owner will be purchasing the home as a rental - who knows, and if it doesn't work out, we're trusting that the timing of the sale of this home will be directly aligned with the timing of just the right property becoming available for us to move. I mention the issue of budget and Bob says, "you know the crazy thing? We were so nervous to rent the house to you for so little, but when you brought in the 3 girls, we're now actually making more on the house than what we rented it for the past 7 years." I just grinned and said, "Who would have guessed last week that within 24 hours of moving in I would have hit it off with 3 girls that I'm super excited to live with, love Jesus, and needed a place to rent - and it's exactly what all of us needed! Isn't it cool that with God it's a win for everyone?"

So that, my friends, was my first week in this absolutely breathtaking place! This week I have an interview with Flatirons to volunteer with Merge, am going to a Rockies game with a girl I've never met and am looking forward to spending more time getting to know the 3 amazing women I get to share a home with. I just keep pinching myself!! Not only have none of my fears or worries about this move come to fruition (not shocking), but it has actually been the complete opposite to where I feel absolutely at home in a place that is completely new and foreign and that can only be the Lord. I am giddy with anticipation of what is coming next! Stay tuned! :)

If You Only Knew

Just two short months ago, on June 24, I was sitting at my computer working away like any other day. All of the sudden I felt this strong nudge from the Lord to stop what I was doing and go write down my dreams. I'll be honest, it was really odd. I'm someone who usually journals first thing in the morning or late at night, but I never stop and write things down in the middle of the day. I dismissed it at first, but it kept tugging at my heart, so I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my journal, and started writing.

If I only knew what the next day had in store...

On June 25th my roommate was driving me to the airport and I asked the question, "How do you know when it's okay to just make a choice because you want to or when you need to wait for God to make it clear that He's leading you that way?" It stemmed from a podcast I'd listen to the week before when Bob Goff talked about taking the summer off to be with his kids (I mentioned that story here). He didn't wait for the firm to offer "summers off for lawyers", he just knew he wanted to spend more time with his children and he made the choice. I had been chewing on that for days, wondering how often I was stuck because I was waiting for writing in the sky.

So we're having this general conversation on faith and she says, "Trish, I have an idea that I'd like to throw out to you. I've been thinking I'd like to live on my own for a while, so what would you think about me taking over the mortgage so that you could just pack your car and move to Colorado. I know it's something you've always wanted to do, and this way you could just try it without making any major changes yet." Honestly, I sat there dumbfounded. I mean, what an incredible offer! What an incredible opportunity! It seriously set off the entire boatload of internal fireworks within me! I'm sure I had this shockingly giddy look on my face and I said, "It's like you just became God's writing in the sky!"

I left for Arizona that day and then the next week for Colorado. I got home on July 13th and as I mentioned in this post,  started putting out feelers and asking the Lord for housing. God quickly provided in a way that continues to blow my mind. What happened after that post is even crazier. The week they sent me the lease, I had a few questions before I signed it and received an email from the couple asking if I would take their home in Louisville instead of Broomfield. Logically it made perfect sense - it was already fully furnished, it was bigger, it was closer to the church, it was in a nice neighborhood and they wouldn't have to move anything. I agreed completely...except for one minor detail - it was in the wrong city. I was so confused and felt the Lord asking me, "would you still be okay with moving into the house I've provided if you knew you wouldn't even have a chair to sit on or a glass to drink out of?" I said, "Yes. I'm not going to say it would be easy. In fact, it would be difficult, but I trust that if you're calling me there and you're taking it all away, you'll provide everything I need." So, after talking it through with an amazing, Godly friend of mine, I sent the couple an email saying that I absolutely understood that logically it makes no sense, but the two things I'm clear on is the church I am supposed to be involved in and the city he wants me to live in. So if that meant they couldn't provide anything other than the roof over my head, I am okay with that. About 5 minutes later I received a phone call from them saying, "If that's where God is calling you, then that's where you need to be and we will do whatever we can to help you." A week later I received an email saying, "We will have a table and chairs, futon, bedding, silverware, glasses, mugs, TV, washer, dryer, fridge, etc. for you at the house when you arrive. I packed some sheets, blankets, a pillow, knives, a cutting board, towels, pots and pans, cookie sheets, measuring cups and spoons, and a shower curtain liner in the boxes for you." Did I mention this couple is putting the house on the market the day I arrive? They're furnishing a home (with the help of various members from their church volunteering their trucks to haul things) that they may very well be "unfurnishing" just shortly after I arrive. It's absolutely crazy and definitely God. :)

That same weekend I started feeling a nudge to sell the house. I can't really explain it - honestly it felt more like a logical decision at the time than anything. I just knew that although the opportunity to go was temporary, my desire to stay was not. I knew in my heart that this was all a temporary solution to a long-term move. I definitely wanted to respect my roommate and not leave her homeless, so I sat down to talk with her and see what her thoughts were on the house. Things had unfolded in the few short weeks between her original offer and she agreed that it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and put the house on the market and just let it take its time - and that she was still okay with taking the house until then. Although hard to explain, it wasn't a decision based out of fear or worry, in all honesty, it just seemed like the next right step.

So, I called my realtor, signed the paperwork, listed the house late on August 12th, had the first showing on August 18th and by August 22nd there was an offer on the table and it was finalized the next day. The next 5 days I proceeded to sell every piece of furniture that I own, every decorative item, and most of my kitchen including all of my dishes. I went from a 1350sq ft home with a large 2 car garage full of storage to a Prius filled with my clothes, shoes, ski/outdoor gear and a few other random items that I was able to fit in it.

If I only knew that the first conversation with my roommate on June 24th would ultimately lead me down the path that unfolded over the next 2 months...honestly, I probably would have freaked out. God graciously prepared my heart for each step - one piece at a time - so that when they unfolded, it wasn't as difficult as I had anticipated.

If I only knew that when I wrote down my dreams on June 24th that just 2 short months later, 3 dreams would have already come true, I would have never believed it. See, the interesting thing about dreaming is that we often have an idea in our heads of how those dreams will unfold, and when they don't unfold the way we anticipated, we often think they didn't come true. That's why it's so important to write them down so that you can go back and be reminded that God is faithful! Did I expect that dreaming to live a "simpler life" would mean selling everything I own? Gracious no! Did I think that the ability to spend more of my time serving others and less time working would happen through selling the house, having an amazing and affordable housing opportunity in Colorado and therefore not having any other debt/expenses aside from insurance and a cell phone? Not in a million years! In fact, if I knew that was how it was going to unfold at the time, I probably would have retracted the dream because it would have seemed terrifying.

A friend of mine recently shared a story of her brother and his wife. He was the youth pastor and she volunteered with the youth and his whole family kept telling him she was perfect for him, but he just wasn't attracted to her in that way. This continued on for well over a year and a moment came where his eyes saw her differently and his heart was drawn to her and he said to his mom, "It's like I finally realized that what I always needed was actually what I always wanted, I just didn't even know it." God truly does give you the desires of your heart...they just often come in a different package than you might have anticipated. 

So in the midst of so much excitement, sadness, transition, tears, fears and anticipation...God continues to whisper...

I know that what is best for you will in turn actually become the very thing you so desperately want, so trust Me with your every desire.

I know that when I closed the door back then it was only for the better plan I have in store today, so don't live in the disappointment of the past or expect it for your future.

I know that what I have in store for you is far beyond your wildest expectations, so don't waste another second worrying about tomorrow.

So when worry, uncertainty, doubt and disappointment start to creep in, just be still and hear God whispering to your heart...  

If you only knew.