Today was one of those days that I look back on and think "I did not see that coming." I love that about life sometimes. Each day you wake up and it's a whole new ballgame. Anything could happen. Everything could change in an instant.
I'll be honest, it was not my best day, in fact, I was feeling pretty defeated and certainly overwhelmed. I can walk through days and even weeks of being at peace and then days like today come where the enemy is just feeding me lie after lie (usually from a place of fear) and I am learning constantly to battle through those thoughts and not let the seed take root in my mind. It's an exhausting battle that I'd like to just win and be done with, but I know it's a battle that I have to stay engaged in to be victorious. Ugh. Some days it seems easier to just cave in to the lies and the fears and declare defeat.
I volunteer with a ministry called The Next Door. It's a women's recovery program and just an amazing place that has gripped my heart. On the second Tuesday of the month we serve dinner to the women there. The "leader" of our group is out of the country so I was in charge of making sure our group was informed on their responsibilities, etc., but due to work responsibilities for some and a very serious and unexpected turn of events for another, I ended up being the only one that could make it tonight. Not gonna lie, my faith told me that this didn't surprise God, but my flesh just felt that much more defeated, overwhelmed and tired of being the "responsible" one.
But I went...because I am responsible even when I don't want to be...but even moreso because the Holy Spirit has a way of kicking me in the pants when I need it. Which is often.
We served dinner and then I sat down with a few girls and just asked about their stories. I'm amazed at how open and honest they are about the road that they have traveled and how they ended up in this place. One of the girls shared that she had been sold into prostitution at the age of 12 and now, at the age of 35, has been pregnant 11 times and has 7 children, just got out of prison, and at one point looked at me and said, "You have such a beautiful smile. You just don't know what you have until it's gone" and then grinned a toothless grin. She laughed as she shared about falling down the stairs that morning and I shared how I baked a pie and left the cupboard door open only to stand up after dropping something and denting my head with it. And as I said it all I could think was, "I baked a pie this morning. I feel ridiculous. I have a kitchen and I baked a pie. I can't even begin to relate to these women." My heart grew a little more for them tonight. And my gratitude did too.
From there I went to my community group where we split up and did Random Acts of Love throughout the city. We dropped off bags of toiletries at doors or gave them to people - however we felt led. My group had one last bag left and as we drove around figuring out what to do with it, we were at a stop sign and saw a homeless man laying on the sidewalk. We knew it was for him. I watched as a guy from our group got out to give him the bag. The man seemed to be talking to himself quite a bit, but I watched him as he opened it and he looked up to the sky and pointed his finger and said something. I have no idea what that was, but I'd like to think maybe Jesus showed up to him through us tonight. I'll never know, but whatever the case, I feel fortunate to have witnessed it.
Afterwards a small group of us went to dinner...and this is really what I want to get at with this post. We covered a wide array of topics from fear to expectations to faith to disappointment. One member of the group brought up the topic of Christians being hypocrites - which was stemmed from something that I said (which I very much regret and profusely apologized for). It was an intense conversation for over an hour...and one that I can't quite get off of my mind.
I wonder if the way I love Jesus and the way that I talk about him is encouraging to some and completely defeating to others. I wonder if I am not honest enough about my flaws - and trust me, there are a lot. It's not because I'm trying to cover up the "real me", but talking about my failures is not necessarily what flows out of my heart. I think that's a good thing, but tonight I wonder if I need to be more honest and open about the times that I doubt, the times that I live in fear and worry, the times where I wonder if God will come through. I fight through these things and am learning and growing in my faith, but good gracious, I'm not "there" yet - and I doubt I will ever be this side of heaven. I am judgemental more than I'd like to admit, care about the opinions of others entirely too much, my house is a disaster right now, I struggle with fear and worry and am only now starting to understand the "battle of my mind", I am unsure of myself and often insecure, I hold back often because I'm afraid of the pain of disappointment, I'm terrified to hope for anything beyond my existing circumstances, I do not know the Bible as well as I should, I am learning to be more giving although I still very much struggle with being selfish, I need to grow in patience, I need to trust God more with every aspect of my life, and I need to serve more and live outside of myself way more than the second Tuesday of every month.
And I know that doesn't even make a dent.
So today was a day full of unexpected turns. A day that I was reminded to be grateful for the life I've been given, to give back more because of it, and to be real and honest and genuine with people. None of us are perfect, I'll be the first to raise my hand and admit that, but I think we all want to live a life where we learn and grow and fall and get back up.
Sometimes the most encouraging thing you can say to someone is just simply, "me too."
I'll be honest, it was not my best day, in fact, I was feeling pretty defeated and certainly overwhelmed. I can walk through days and even weeks of being at peace and then days like today come where the enemy is just feeding me lie after lie (usually from a place of fear) and I am learning constantly to battle through those thoughts and not let the seed take root in my mind. It's an exhausting battle that I'd like to just win and be done with, but I know it's a battle that I have to stay engaged in to be victorious. Ugh. Some days it seems easier to just cave in to the lies and the fears and declare defeat.
I volunteer with a ministry called The Next Door. It's a women's recovery program and just an amazing place that has gripped my heart. On the second Tuesday of the month we serve dinner to the women there. The "leader" of our group is out of the country so I was in charge of making sure our group was informed on their responsibilities, etc., but due to work responsibilities for some and a very serious and unexpected turn of events for another, I ended up being the only one that could make it tonight. Not gonna lie, my faith told me that this didn't surprise God, but my flesh just felt that much more defeated, overwhelmed and tired of being the "responsible" one.
But I went...because I am responsible even when I don't want to be...but even moreso because the Holy Spirit has a way of kicking me in the pants when I need it. Which is often.
We served dinner and then I sat down with a few girls and just asked about their stories. I'm amazed at how open and honest they are about the road that they have traveled and how they ended up in this place. One of the girls shared that she had been sold into prostitution at the age of 12 and now, at the age of 35, has been pregnant 11 times and has 7 children, just got out of prison, and at one point looked at me and said, "You have such a beautiful smile. You just don't know what you have until it's gone" and then grinned a toothless grin. She laughed as she shared about falling down the stairs that morning and I shared how I baked a pie and left the cupboard door open only to stand up after dropping something and denting my head with it. And as I said it all I could think was, "I baked a pie this morning. I feel ridiculous. I have a kitchen and I baked a pie. I can't even begin to relate to these women." My heart grew a little more for them tonight. And my gratitude did too.
From there I went to my community group where we split up and did Random Acts of Love throughout the city. We dropped off bags of toiletries at doors or gave them to people - however we felt led. My group had one last bag left and as we drove around figuring out what to do with it, we were at a stop sign and saw a homeless man laying on the sidewalk. We knew it was for him. I watched as a guy from our group got out to give him the bag. The man seemed to be talking to himself quite a bit, but I watched him as he opened it and he looked up to the sky and pointed his finger and said something. I have no idea what that was, but I'd like to think maybe Jesus showed up to him through us tonight. I'll never know, but whatever the case, I feel fortunate to have witnessed it.
Afterwards a small group of us went to dinner...and this is really what I want to get at with this post. We covered a wide array of topics from fear to expectations to faith to disappointment. One member of the group brought up the topic of Christians being hypocrites - which was stemmed from something that I said (which I very much regret and profusely apologized for). It was an intense conversation for over an hour...and one that I can't quite get off of my mind.
I wonder if the way I love Jesus and the way that I talk about him is encouraging to some and completely defeating to others. I wonder if I am not honest enough about my flaws - and trust me, there are a lot. It's not because I'm trying to cover up the "real me", but talking about my failures is not necessarily what flows out of my heart. I think that's a good thing, but tonight I wonder if I need to be more honest and open about the times that I doubt, the times that I live in fear and worry, the times where I wonder if God will come through. I fight through these things and am learning and growing in my faith, but good gracious, I'm not "there" yet - and I doubt I will ever be this side of heaven. I am judgemental more than I'd like to admit, care about the opinions of others entirely too much, my house is a disaster right now, I struggle with fear and worry and am only now starting to understand the "battle of my mind", I am unsure of myself and often insecure, I hold back often because I'm afraid of the pain of disappointment, I'm terrified to hope for anything beyond my existing circumstances, I do not know the Bible as well as I should, I am learning to be more giving although I still very much struggle with being selfish, I need to grow in patience, I need to trust God more with every aspect of my life, and I need to serve more and live outside of myself way more than the second Tuesday of every month.
And I know that doesn't even make a dent.
So today was a day full of unexpected turns. A day that I was reminded to be grateful for the life I've been given, to give back more because of it, and to be real and honest and genuine with people. None of us are perfect, I'll be the first to raise my hand and admit that, but I think we all want to live a life where we learn and grow and fall and get back up.
Sometimes the most encouraging thing you can say to someone is just simply, "me too."
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