That four letter word...

Tonight after returning home from a concert, I sat down to journal...something I haven't done in quite some time.  I've gotten out of the habit of writing and tend to find myself just having outloud convos with God while getting ready in the mornings or driving any which direction.  I am someone who very much needs to "process" my thoughts/feelings, so when I'm not talking to God, I'm usually talking the ear off of any of my (very patient :)) friends.  But tonight...even this last week really...God is stirring something inside of me and it's both exciting and terrifying.  Mostly terrifying.  I want to dive into it and run as far away as possible all at the same time.  I won't go into the details...that's why I journal :), but I will say that out of the many things going through my mind - there's one word that keeps surfacing and causing me to wince...HOPE.

Hope should be a word I love and I embrace, but if I'm really honest, I'm afraid of it.  I'm afraid to hope for something that doesn't happen...because over time I've found it's just easier not to hope at all.  I know, I know...that's completely horrible to even say out loud.  It goes hand-in-hand with dreaming.  It seems easier to just be content in your circumstances and the life that you're surrounded by than to dream or hope for something more.  And the truth is - I have never been more contentedly happy than I am right now.  I feel like the bottom could fall out from under me tomorrow and I wouldn't even freak out (which kinda freaks me out! :)).  The thing about hope though...it stirs things.  It's like hope goes down into the deepest desires of your heart and cuts the anchor that's been weighing them down so they can finally float to the surface.  It's partly a breath of fresh air and at the exact same time...I find myself wanting to push everything as far back down as possible and continue floating along like I always have been. 

When it all comes down to it, I don't want to hope for something that God doesn't intend for me to have.  I only want my hope to be in Him - knowing that all good things come from Him and Him alone. Yet knowing that and fully living that is sometimes easier said than done.

I'm a work-in-progress...what can I say?  He's not finished with me yet....thank goodness! ;)