Dead inside.

In my mind I am replaying the scene from The Holiday where Cameron Diaz tries desperately to make herself cry, and right now I understand her agony. You see, I'm not one to cry all that often, but I think it's just a healthy part of life to cry every once in a while. My mom always jokes that I get one day a year to just let it all out, because I keep it pretty well together the other 364 days of the year. Sure, I cry at a good movie once in a while - or a hallmark commercial around the holidays (dang those hallmark commercials!), but to just cry it out when I feel like my emotions have built up and I just need to cry to feel better? Nope. Nada. Nothing. Even sometimes when I watch a movie that has a tragic ending and I am devastated...tears won't flow. Not always (sometimes I can't get myself together!), but in those times I always think - let yourself go, girl! What is wrong with you? Are you dead inside?! Well, the honest fact-of-the-matter is that I don't like crying. It's a love-hate relationship. I love how I feel once I've let it all out, but I hate doing it. I typically regret it when it's over and wish I could take the tears back, so I've gotten to a point of just not wanting to go there altogether. Earlier this morning my boss walked into my office and my eyes were in puddles...just waiting to let it out and he said, "TRISH! Have you been crying?!" I laughed and said, "No...I'm trying to get there. No good reason, apparently I'm just overdue for a good cry." Sure enough, that was all I was able to get, puddles. Not even a single tear fell. The funny thing is, that one day a year when I have that good, solid cry, there's usually not a good reason for it. I am that girl that just cries because I need to cry. I'm sure it's a year's worth of things built up that is my breaking point, but in that moment, I couldn't tell you why on earth I'm crying. No wonder guys think women are so complicated :). I am definitely contributing to that confusion. So, if you pass me on the street this week and I'm an absolute basket case, pay no attention. Everything is fine, I'm just late for my yearly sob session. Thank goodness it only lasts for one day.